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February 18, 2018 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Sexpertise

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Is this threesome safe?

Question:

My girlfriend and I have been in a serious relationship for quite some time now. We have both decided to get married and such. Then the threesome issue arose. Keeping in mind that we are in a near perfect relationship for the two of us, we started talking about the pros and cons of a threesome relating to our bond together.

We want to know of any pros and cons of real experiences or whatever you can find, of the effect of engaging in threesomes in a very healthy relationship to fulfill a curiosity factor.

Joe (22 year-old man)

Answer:

As a psychotherapist I rarely care or consider things from a moral point of view. Morals and values are different for different people, cultures, and for both at different times in history. What I look for is what is consistent with the values and the morals of the individual in question. Therefore, what I would ask you and your lady to do is to examine your morals and values in depth before making any action. Not only what you feel or think your values should be, but also how you would think and feel after engaging in a particular action.

What you are suggesting is a very common sexual fantasy that both men and women at times have. There is a lot of evidence to suggest that human beings are not either monogamous or polygamous, but somewhere in between. There certainly is the potential to be attracted to more than one person and at the same time human beings are incredibly territorial and possessive, especially with our love relationships. This at times makes for a difficult balancing act. It also means that monogamy is really more of a choice rather than the natural and only way of being.

Growing up in the 60's I have seen a lot of couples attempt this personally and professionally. In my experience I have never seen it work on a long-term basis and more often it blows the relationship apart both short term and long term. My guess is that this would be the same for all cultures, but some cultures because of their beliefs might do a better job with institutionalized polygamy.

There are several reasons for this difficulty. Even in one to one relationships the intimacy, time, and trust that it takes to make a really good relationship is very challenging. Usually relationships are not very good or mature. It is hard to share and hard to trust. Having three people be involved together means that it has become much more intricate and complicated. When intimacy is shared it often becomes diluted. Often someone feels left out and wonders if they are as special to whomever they are focusing on. It takes years for friends to feel comfortable sharing with more than one friend. Think about when you were an adolescent and you had a best friend. When that best friend became friends with someone else that was often extremely difficult. Often people never learn how to be self assured enough to have numerous mutual friends and not be insecure. That is not to say that that is right or good or mature, but it points out the difficult talk of simple sharing.

If you add a romantic component often all hell breaks loose. Someone eventually feels rejected and abandoned. The person that you would add to this primary relationship is going to get the short end of the attention. If they get too much attention it could well feel like a threat to you or your lady. About the only way I have seen these things work is when all three people are really just casual friends or strangers and it is more about the sex than anything else. In the 60's often people thought it was the way it should be. No rules, no boundaries, and simply going with whatever natural impulse a person felt. Then the other natural feelings of jealousy and abandonment would pop up. The positive elements are that most people feel an increase in enjoyment and excitement in the short term. It often happens that the primary partners become more amorous and renewed with each other in the short run. The novelty is interesting. But intensity seems to take the place of real one to one intimacy.

Whatever you guys decide though, good luck with it.

Jef Gazley, M.S. www.asktheinternettherapist.com

This question was answered by Jef Gazley M.S. Jef has practiced psychotherapy for twenty-five years, specializing in Love Addiction, Hypnotherapy, Relationship Management, Dysfunctional Families, Co-Dependency, Professional Coaching, and Trauma Issues. He is a trained counselor in EMDR, NET, TFT, and Applied Kinesiology. He is dedicated to guiding individuals to achieving a life long commitment to mental health and relationship mastery. His private practice locations are Scottsdale and Tempe, Arizona. You can also visit Jef at the internettherapist, the first audiovisual mental health online counseling center on the net.

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