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November 19, 2018 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Sexpertise

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Middle-aged virgin


I am a 44-year-old woman who is currently in therapy. Although I would like to be in some sort of sexual relationship more than anything else in my life, I have never yet experienced any romantic attention from any man. I have no religious qualms about waiting until marriage; in fact I consider myself quite sex positive. I just have never been asked. I have never held hands, never kissed, never been on a date, nothing. I am not fat (though a little heavier than I would prefer), and I am scrupulous about personal hygiene. I have a job that involves lots of public contact (real estate). I am personable, intelligent, and, though in private I get very depressed about the situation, in public I am known for being cheerful and optimistic.

At this point in my life, I fear I will die without ever having any sort of male interest expressed in me. If, by some miracle, someone did express some interest, I don't think I would know what to do. Most single people my age are divorced or widowed, and are looking to get into another serious relationship; they have some background of experience and know what they want. But if I were to get involved, I'm not sure if I would cling like death to the first person who asked, or whether I would view the whole thing as a first chance to "sow wild oats".

Given that I have never had any interest expressed in me anyway, should I just give up?

Lizzie (44 year-old woman)


You certainly should not give up if you still have an interest in meeting a man. You do, however, have to become creative. I would suggest that you find a good singles group to join and even consider some of the more respectable dating services. Don't worry about what you will do sexually... start by figuring out how you are going to begin dating.

Explore with your therapist your reasons for not being more sexually experimental. Do you have feelings of sexual desire, or are you indifferent? Celibacy is a viable alternative and is certainly easier if the person has no sexual needs. However, if you do wish to be sexual, don't give up... just become more adventurous.

Bob Birch

Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., is a retired sex therapist, now identifying himself as a sexologist and adult sexuality educator. He now devotes his time to writing educational and self-help books for adults.

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