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November 20, 2018 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Sexpertise

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Consequences of impotency


We have been married 28 years. Approximately 5 years ago my husband became impotent. He has seen urologists and, initially was given injections to help him have an erection. Despite this, he seems to have no interest in sex. I have told him that I care more about closeness and comfort than in performance, but he doesn't seem to want to accept this and just doesn't appear at all interested. I have tried marriage counseling with him and he says he loves me and wants to stay married but doesn't seem willing to do anything to keep me around. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just really believe that I am too young to do without sex for the rest of my life, but a divorce after this long seems such a waste.

My husband now has Viagra which he has taken only a couple of times. He says he wants to have sex with me, but never does. We haven't been intimate in over a month and before that it was almost 3 years. Am I just selfish to want more than what he is willing to give at present? I am seriously considering divorce.

53 year-old woman


There are actually two sexual problems... your husband's erectile dysfunction (that Viagra will take care of) and his "hypoactive sexual desire." The latter is a major problem, because this is the reason he is just not interested in having sex, even though the Viagra would allow him to perform. Desire or libido is the motivational part of sex and without motivation; there is no drive to do it!

Ask your husband to talk with his urologist about testosterone. Your husband's hormone levels should be checked and if he is low on testosterone (which can cause loss of interest) he can be given supplements.

In your marriage you are suffering a "desire discrepancy," and that can be devastating. Before contemplating divorce, get your husband to check out his all-important testosterone level!

Bob Birch

Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., is a retired sex therapist, now identifying himself as a sexologist and adult sexuality educator. He now devotes his time to writing educational and self-help books for adults.

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