I'm a very nice person and I'm very loving. I've always had some issues due to the fact that I was molested by a family member since the age of 7 and I was always scared to tell someone, until he raped me at 14. Even then I still didn't mention his name; I just said "someone" until I finally got the courage to say something because he was still raping me even after I got pregnant with my child (age 16). I'm not over it but I force myself not to dwell on it.
Back to the point when I was 13 I didn't like boys - probably because I was already being tampered with but I honestly only had interest in girls. But my dad was a preacher and he humiliated me and taunted me with his "church beliefs". He threatened to beat me; he talked about it with other people to make my life horrible. With all the shame and humiliation I just started to date boys to make him happy. I changed my whole sexuality because back then I had a thing for dressing like a boy and I was being taunted by my dad for being my own person.
Fast forward: I recently got out of a three-year abusive relationship with my ex boyfriend which moved me back into my parents house (which I moved out of at 17) because my dad is so judgmental. My dad has this guy that comes over all the time and they stay locked in the office with the light off all the time. They go out eat and do everything together. I had my suspicions about them sleeping together but I thought it couldn't be because he taunted me so much about being gay when I was younger. Then one day after having a date I came home and could hear them having sex, so I banged on the door because I needed an explanation; I needed clarity, I needed to know why he disrespected my mom and siblings in our home. He repeatedly said he isn't gay, he doesn't do that, I'm the one who likes girls, I'm the one who hurt my mom by having kids, I'm in his house I shouldn't be questioning him. All I could call him was a hypocrite and a liar. I was so crushed; everything was adding up.
Now I keep having dreams and thoughts of stabbing him in the face. I just really want to stab that fake Christian mask right off his face. I want him to feel the pain I felt and still feel because I'm so self-conscious about being myself because of him.
What can stop these thoughts and dreams? Why do I want to hurt him? Am I crazy? Help me please. I'm not a bad person. Why am I changing?
Shay my dear,
First, you can do something about resolving the effects of the childhood sexual abuse and rape. There are several very powerful, research-based techniques available for this. They all work to about the same extent, because they are all based on the same knowledge base. You could find a local psychologist who uses a form of "exposure therapy." I prefer to do this through hypnosis because that's the most effective. Other commonly used versions are "EMDR" and "Traumatic Incident Reduction." http://www.tir.org lists accredited therapists who use TIR, and there could be one near you.
Second, I think you are right. You developed a sexual orientation toward girls because sex with males became associated with the horrible times with this man. And if you want love with women, that's fine. It is also possible that you have inherited a tendency toward homosexuality from your father. Roughly one person in seven is naturally homosexual.
This may help you to think with more tolerance about your father. If he has a hereditary leaning toward sex with men, and yet his entire belief system is that this is wrong and evil, then all his life he will have been living in terrible torment. Eventually, he betrayed his religion and his principles, and gave in to his nature.
His irrational, strong reaction against your Lesbian preferences is what is called a "reaction formation." That is, he has unconsciously tried to suppress his sexual attraction to men by being super-strong in condemning homosexuality. He may have chosen his particular version of the Church because of this. By acting toward you the way he did, he could displace onto you all the anger, guilt and disgust he felt toward himself, without realizing it. This does NOT excuse it, but does make it understandable.
The way he reacted to his teenage daughter is inexcusable. However, if you understand where he was coming from, you might start to pity rather than hate him. He is a hypocrite because he happens to be born with genes that make nonsense of his religion. He has been using his extreme religious beliefs to battle yearnings that come unbidden, but he considers to be evil. Can you see what a torture this must be?
There is a silver lining. Because you are his daughter, and have exposed his hypocrisy, you are a stronger, better, more rational person than you would be otherwise. He is a negative role model: "I will not be like him." That's very useful for you. I suggest that, as soon as possible, you move out again. Build a life for yourself that's independent of your dad. And be open to love, wherever it comes from -- male or female. What matters is mutual caring and commitment.
You don't need to hurt your father -- he has hurt himself more than enough already.
Have a good life my dear,