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August 21, 2018 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Relationships

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Having bad thoughts about hurting my brother

Question:

I am a 15-year-old female, and I'm very aware that one should be 18 or older to post questions on this website, but I feel like this is a very serious matter that I must discuss with professionals.

My brother is addicted to alcohol and marijuana. He is 28 years old, and he is trying to recover from his addictions. However, he is also very violent, and disrespects my whole family. He often physically abuses our maid and the people he hangs out with. He has been in jail once, for attacking a man on the street.

It has been a month or so that I have been having bad thoughts. Very, very bad thoughts, like murdering my brother. I am aware that it's a terrible thing, a sin; there is basically nothing worse than taking someone else's life away. But I feel like he is affecting so many other people's lives negatively, and I truly think it would be the best option for everyone.

However, I do have second thoughts. My mother gave birth to him! She tried so hard for 28 years, she paid for his disasters, she raised him, she loves him. I might ruin her life if I were to do this, and that would be the exact opposite of what I am trying to achieve.

I would do it, straight away. I have planned out everything. But, I feel like it is wrong, because it is. And I am not a bad person. I don't want to commit this heinous crime. I just need a reason not to. I can't seem to find a reason to stop myself. I simply want his abuse to stop. I want everyone to be happy again. I cannot seek counsel, nor tell anyone about my obscure ideas. I don't know what to do.

Thank you a lot for taking your time to read this message. Cheers.

Spaz, 15 years old

Answer:

Dear Spaz,

This is indeed a terrible problem. Clearly, you are a highly moral person, and everything you write shows you are motivated to do the right thing. And the solution you have come up with is murder, and you reject this as the ultimate evil.

You didn't indicate where you live, so I can't advise about local resources. Since you have a maid, I assume your family is well off. I recommend that both you and your mother seek the services of a competent psychologist, who will lead you to better solutions for your problem. A psychologist will respect confidentiality. Also, there is a worldwide organization that will be of great benefit to both you and your mother. This is Al Anon . Check them out.

What your brother needs is not support and forgiveness, but tough love. Al Anon will help your family to give this to him. Tough love IS love. Whatever he does, you love him. But it's also tough: avoiding doing things to maintain his problem. Al Anon teaches you how to do this, and will give you support. That means that when he breaks the law, you don't protect him from the police. When he is violent in the home, he is made to leave, if necessary with police assistance. Believe it or not, that can be done with love.

I don't think I need to give you a reason to not murder him. You have given the reasons yourself, very well. He does deserve to keep living. He does deserve to live a good life, but first he needs to make the choice to work for one. Until now, he could mostly get away with being a spoiled kid. From now on, his tantrums need to have consequences for him, while at the same time, your family needs to protect yourselves from his abuse and violence.

If you think it right, perhaps the first thing is to show your mom your cry for help, and my answer. If you think she'd react the wrong way, or if you don't feel able to share your feelings with her in full, then remove references to murder from the question and answer, and show her that.

You are welcome to keep in touch with me.

Love,

Bob

This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.

For more information visit the site or contact information page on QueenDom.

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