If “haters gotta hate,” why are we sometimes so desperate to make them like us? Because we want to know why. Even the most confident, Zen-like people will wonder, “What have I done to make this person dislike me?”

Let me put it to you this way: If you were in a room with 100 people and were told that 99 of them absolutely love you, would you be thinking:

“Aw, how sweet.”

Or:

“Why does the 100^th person hate me?”

So when someone doesn’t like us, what do we do? We try harder. We make sure to be extra nice to them—bend over backwards to accommodate them. And when that doesn’t melt their cold heart, this makes us want their approval even more. Why?

The short answer: it’s not about them. It’s about you.

What you really want is what their approval represents. When someone who didn’t like you at first warms up to you, it feels like:

• Validation
• Proof you’re likeable
• Confirmation you’re “good enough”
• A victory over a challenge

And your brain loves that. Psychologically, this ties into our need for self-worth and validation—we’re wired to seek positive feedback and avoid negative feelings. So when someone disapproves of you, it feels like a problem that needs fixing. Let’s dig into this a bit more.

Your Brain Hates Rejection—Even Mild or Imaginary Rejection

Most of us don’t take rejection well—even when it’s coming from someone whose opinion shouldn’t even matter. This is because our brains treat social rejection as a threat. For early humans, being ostracized meant certain death. Who’s going to watch your back while you hunt for a woolly mammoth? Who’s going to get food and water after you get sick from eating woolly mammoth leftovers? Who’s going to guard the opening of the hut while you sleep?

So the reason why you seek someone’s approval is a quirky evolutionary feature.

You Want to “Win” Them Over

There’s also a competitive element going on. If someone already likes you, it’s great; it feels comfortable—even a little boring. But someone who doesn’t? That’s a challenge. It’s the reason why we like the thrill of the chase. Our brains reframe the situation as:

“Let’s see if I can change their mind.”

Now it’s not about the relationship; it’s about winning.

You’re Trying to Solve a Problem

Here’s another fun thing your brain does: It makes up reasons for things that happen that you don’t understand or can’t control. Your brain loves puzzles. So when you don’t know why a person doesn’t like you, your brain starts problem-solving:

• Maybe I came off as weird or desperate.
• Maybe I wasn’t interesting enough.
• Maybe they think I’m ugly.
• Maybe I said something wrong.

None of this is verified, of course, but it feels real. This is where cognitive bias creeps in—your brain uses mental shortcuts to explain situations, even if those explanations are inaccurate. And once your brain picks a story, it sticks to it like it’s a fact.

Their Disapproval Triggered Your Own Lack of Self-worth

This is the big one. If your self-esteem is shaky, you’ll look for and pay more attention to “proof” that your views of yourself are true.

However—if you can gain their approval, it will make you feel better about yourself. But that relief doesn’t last. If your self-worth depends on other people liking you, your brain will always find someone else to impress. It’s like trying to fill a bucket that has a hole in it.

You Might Be Reinforcing the Problem

Ironically, the more you try to gain someone’s approval, the less natural you become. You start overthinking what you say, changing your personality to what you think they like, and just trying too hard.

People can feel that. This can actually make things worse, because desperation can be a turn-off. So the harder you try, the less responsive they become—which makes you try even more. This, in a nutshell, is the Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style, where a person, sensing that their partner is pulling away (because they’re tired of the clinginess) makes them cling even more. This creates an uncomfortable and vicious circle.

How to Shift from Wanting to Be Liked to Not Needing to Be Liked

Instead of asking, “How do I get them to like me?” try asking:

“Do I even like this person?”

• Do you respect them?
• Do they treat people well?
• Do you enjoy being around them?
• Is their opinion actually valuable?

I would also suggest asking yourself a few deeper questions:

“Why do I want this person to like me? What’s at the root of it?”

• How does not being liked by this person make you feel? Name the emotions.

• Next, create a list of beliefs that may be motivating these feelings.

For example, some people who have a strong need to be liked may believe they’re not good enough, or that people will only respect them if they are smarter, taller, thinner, more good-looking, more successful, or wealthier.

You can see some examples of self-limiting beliefs here and self-sabotaging beliefs here.

Now, speaking of getting to the root of things, I need to pause and make a crucial—but slightly uncomfortable—point:

It’s also important to recognize when the reason someone doesn’t like you is related to your behavior. I am not talking about personality here—I am talking about actions. Why? Because we are what we do.

Someone who has an aloof demeanor can still be a kind person, just like someone who is friendly and charismatic can also act unscrupulously. It’s a person’s actions that matter.

So take some time to think about your actions and how they may be affecting the manner in which others treat you. For example:

• Do you constantly put yourself down in front of people? They may be treating you the same way you treat yourself.

• Do you bring up your accomplishments in every conversation? You may see it as confidence; others may see it as irritating arrogance.

• Do you pretend not to care and ghost people to get them to chase you? They may respond by calling your bluff and walking away.

Self-awareness matters—and decades of research into human behavior and personality have shown me that most people lack it.

The better you know yourself, the easier it becomes to recognize self-limiting and self-sabotaging beliefs and behaviors.

Wanting to be liked is human. Trying to win over someone who clearly doesn’t like you is also human. The key is recognizing what’s actually happening: It’s not about them. It’s about what their approval means to you.

And once you see that clearly, you can make a different choice—preferably, to stop giving a damn about people who don’t give a damn about you.

Insightfully yours,

Queen D