It’s usually pretty easy to spot toxic traits in others, even if at first, you only sense it in your gut. But turning that magnifying glass inward and examining our own issues is much, much harder.

So what’s the best way to deal with a toxic relationship? Leave. Walk away, burn the bridge, never look back. Ciao. But what if you’re the toxic one? What if the common thread in all your relationship problems is you?

It’s time to get honest. I strongly suggest you put your ego aside and be candid about your behavior in relationships. If any of these ring true, then it’s time for a change, my friend.

Here are some signs that you might be the toxic person in a relationship, and what to do about it.

You always need to be right

Every disagreement turns into a debate you have to win. And while your partner is trying to explain their side of the situation, you’re not really listening—you’re just putting together your battle plan and creating counterarguments in your head. Maybe even something really low you can throw back at them, just to even the score. Like that time your partner forgot your birthday. They’ve remembered it every year since then, but you’re still holding on to that one time.

Think back to your last few arguments. Were you more focused on proving you’re right or finding a solution you could both live with?

If it’s the first one, you’re the toxic one.

You guilt-trip or play the victim

Instead of saying what you actually need—more time together, more affection—you make your partner feel bad for not reading your mind. You frame things in a way that makes you the one who’s always hurt, left out, or misunderstood, even when you’re the one being unfair.

You might say things like:

“I guess I just love you more than you love me.”

“If you really loved me, you would…”

“What a surprise, I’m the bad guy again.”

This is plain manipulation. You want something from your partner, but instead of just asking for it, you try to guilt trip your partner into giving to you.

Let me be blunt: If you have an issue with the relationship, then stop acting like a toddler and use your words. Say what you feel—without accusing your partner of being the source of all your problems. 99.99999% of the time, we are the cause of our problems.

You control through criticism

You call it “tough love,” but really, you’re just undermining your partner’s confidence. For what? To push them into changing on your terms? Or to make them so dependent on your approval that they can’t do anything without it? Either way, even if you get what you want, it’s not the win you think it is.

You can’t insult someone into becoming your ideal version of them. For example, criticizing your partner’s body in hopes it will motivate them to lose weight just leads to resentment, anger, and hate. And if they do make changes—say they lose the weight, gain confidence—they’ll realize they deserve better—and drop you just like they dropped those pounds.

You withhold affection as punishment

You’re upset, but instead of saying what’s wrong, you shut down. You withhold love, attention, and sex, not because you’re genuinely not in the mood (which happens), but because it’s your power move. You want your partner to feel guilty and apologize… even if you’re the one who should be apologizing.

Sure, this might work a few times. But eventually, your partner will either get fed up and walk away, or call your bluff and give you the same cold shoulder. If you’re going to be that petty, you might as well throw in a dramatic stomp and slam a few doors.

Withholding affection doesn’t just punish them, it punishes you. Grow up, speak up, and say what you need instead.

You blame your partner for how you feel

It’s amazing how many adults still believe their emotions are caused by other people. Here’s a quick psychology refresher: You are the source of your emotions. Other people don’t “make” you angry, sad, or anxious—you choose how to react. You can’t control other people, but you can control yourself.

Feeling triggered isn’t your partner’s fault. That doesn’t excuse bad behavior on their part, but it does mean they’re not responsible for your reaction. If you don’t like something they’re doing, say: “I’m feeling frustrated. I need to take a break so we can continue this conversation calmly.” And if they refuse to match that level of respect, it might be time to walk away.

Your feelings are valid—but they’re still your responsibility.

You always make them come to you

Every argument ends with your partner apologizing first. They chase, they try to make amends, while you retreat—giving them the silent treatment or picking another fight to keep the tension going and make them feel worse. And when they finally stop trying to resolve the issue, you accuse them of not caring or giving up too easily.

Making your partner chase you for an apology and stretching out their guilt is emotional manipulation—let’s call like it is. You’re not protecting yourself; you’re inflating your ego at their expense. Maybe this is your convoluted way of making your partner value you more, or making them regret their actions. But what are you doing to improve your behavior?

Next time you pull this stunt, ask yourself how you’d feel if the roles were reversed and you were forced to beg for forgiveness. I guarantee you wouldn’t like it.

If you have a history of bad relationships, it’s easy to point your finger at your partners. But even if they really are the problem, my next question for you would be, “Why are you attracting these types of people in the first place?” Because if every person you’ve dated is “crazy,” “needy,” or “not good enough,” the reason might not be them. You’re the common denominator. Patterns don’t lie.

What do I do if I’m the red flag?

Here’s how to start making changes:

  • Own your role in this without blaming others. Stop saying, “Well, I only acted that way because they…” That’s deflection. Take 100% responsibility for your behavior without dragging your partner’s faults into it. This doesn’t mean excusing bad treatment, but it does mean acknowledging, “Yes, I did that, and it wasn’t okay,” regardless of what your partner did first.
  • Uncover your triggers (jealousy, control, abandonment). Notice the situations that set you off. Do you feel panicked when your partner doesn’t reply to your messages right away? Do you get angry when they make plans with friends and exclude you? Those reactions always point to deeper fears—like being rejected, being replaced, or feeling powerless. Identifying triggers is the first step to breaking the cycle.
  • Learn to apologize without strings attached. A real apology is not: “I’m sorry, but you shouldn’t have…” It’s: “I’m sorry for what I said/did. It was wrong.” Full stop. Don’t use the apology to sneak in your own grievances. The point is to acknowledge what you did, not add in some fine print.
  • Practice small behavior shifts. If you tend to dominate arguments, try listening without jumping in for at least two full minutes. If you shut down when upset, tell your partner you need a break instead of stonewalling them for hours. If you criticize often, start replacing one critique per day with a genuine compliment. Small changes done consistently add up—and they’re less overwhelming than trying to overhaul yourself overnight.
  • If needed, talk to a therapist or relationship coach. A professional can help you see patterns you’re blind to, identify why you repeat them, and give you tools to change. You might work on communication skills, managing emotional triggers, or setting healthy boundaries that don’t turn into power plays. The right help can speed up the process of becoming a better partner… if you’re willing to actually do the work between sessions.

Insightfully yours,

Queen D