I’ve always believed there’s a razor-thin line between charm and manipulation, and the side you land on often comes down to empathy. Con artists are masters of this. They understand human nature, know exactly how to tug on heartstrings, and play to emotions not out of compassion, but because emotions are the easiest levers to pull.

Gaslighting is different. While a charming con artist manipulates for personal gain—scamming someone out of their money, for example—a gaslighter has a three-pronged agenda: destabilize, manipulate, and control. Their ultimate goal is to erode your trust in yourself so completely that they control the narrative—and, by extension, you. Think of a partner who chips away at your self-esteem until you believe no one else would want you. This not only ensures that you will never leave the relationship, it also traps you psychologically and emotionally.

So why not just call gaslighters out? Why not say, “I see what you’re doing, and I’m not falling for it”? Because gaslighting isn’t always obvious. The words they use are often subtle and deceptively reasonable, until you start to question your own sanity.

Here are some of the phrases gaslighters use to manipulate you:

“You’re overreacting.”

Translation: Your feelings don’t matter. This minimizes the importance of what you are feeling and reframes it as irrational, making you question whether your reaction is valid.

For example: While babysitting your infant, your mother-in-law gives them food your pediatrician explicitly said wasn’t age-appropriate. You set a clear boundary—no more babysitting until she respects your rules. She responds, “You’re overreacting. I raised my children this way and they turned out fine” (bonus gaslight points if your partner sides with her). Soon, other family members are calling to say you’re being cruel or vindictive.

Reality check: No. You’re not overreacting—you’re protecting your child. Your emotional reaction fits the situation.

“That never happened.”

Translation: You’re not remembering it the way your gaslighter wants you to—meaning they get to look better and/or you become the villain in the story. Either way, it’s an attempt to whitewash or erase your experience. This is classic gaslighting… and dangerous. It pushes you to question your memory—nay, your very sanity.

For example: Your partner’s drinking becomes a problem, escalating to verbal aggression or worse. When you confront them, they insist you’re exaggerating, misremembering, or imagining things entirely.

Reality check: Did you accidentally walk through a portal into an alternate reality? Do you have amnesia? Were you in a coma? No. You were there. It happened. Don’t let anyone rewrite the story to suit themselves.

“You’re too sensitive.”

Translation: They’re trying to pass off a mean, harsh, or critical comment as a joke, or as “tough love.” In reality, they meant to be hurtful. Why? Maybe to get a laugh at your expense, to undermine your confidence, or to pressure you into changing something they don’t like about you.

For example: During a family gathering, a relative comments on your weight in front of everyone, saying, “Looks like you’ve been enjoying dessert a little too much!” Embarrassed, you tell them that was hurtful. They shrug and say, “You’re too sensitive. It was just a joke!”

Reality check: All you have to do is flip the script: Are you actually too sensitive? Or are they too tactless, too passive-aggressive, or too socially underdeveloped to express themselves without being cruel? See the difference?

“If you really loved me, you wouldn’t question me, doubt me, etc.”

Translation: They don’t like that you’re calling out problematic behavior, so they twist it into a test of your loyalty. Now you’re the one with the supposed “issues” and they’re the poor victim of your “drama.”

For example: You’ve given your partner access to your phone as a show of trust—but when you ask for the same in return, they explode. “What, you think I’m cheating? If you loved me, you’d trust me and wouldn’t need to look at my phone!” The truth is, you simply want mutual transparency.

Reality check: Real love means openness, accountability, and honesty. And no, unconditional love is not normal for adult relationships (that’s for young kids and pets).

“Everyone else thinks the same thing I do—they just won’t say it to your face.”

Translation: This is a bluff designed to stack the odds against you. They invent an invisible jury of supporters to make their argument sound valid, when in reality, it’s just them. The goal is to make you doubt yourself, pressure you into compliance, and maybe even alienate you from people who could have your back.

For example: You’re handed the lead on a major project over a coworker. Days later, they drop by your office: “Honestly, I think you’re in over your head… and I’m not the only one. Management’s been talking about pulling you off the project. But you didn’t hear it from me.”

Reality check: If “everyone” feels this way, ask them. Directly. If you get consistent feedback that a specific skill or behavior needs work—like punctuality or communication—then that’s worth addressing. Otherwise, recognize this for what it is: a control tactic, a way to undermine your confidence, and a lie.

Gaslighters thrive on confusion, planting seeds of self-doubt and making you question your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and even your reality. My go-to advice? Do a gut check. If something they say makes your stomach knot, your chest tighten, or your instincts go, “something is off here,” there’s a reason.

So what do you do with a gaslighter? You walk away. Sure, you can try setting boundaries, and in rare cases they might respect them—but more often, they won’t. Protect your peace. Burn the bridge if you have to. You deserve relationships that are healthy, balanced, and free from manipulation.

Insightfull yours,

Queen D