I’ve witnessed all three. I’ve experienced all three. And I think there’s a great deal of overlap where there shouldn’t be, because that’s what love songs teach us. Spoiler alert: most songs about love get the concept wrong—detrimentally wrong.

Let’s say I asked 50 different people to define love. What would likely happen? I’d probably get 100 different responses. People would start by describing what they think love is, but their answers would be heavily colored by their own experiences. Then they might change their mind, furrow their brow in concentration, and come up with an entirely different definition.

So how would I define it?

I don’t see love as just a feeling. I think it’s more of a state of being or a mindset. Love is acceptance. It’s accepting someone’s views, beliefs, and individuality without judging them or needing to change them. Notice how I said views and beliefs, not behavior, because love is not about accepting mistreatment.

Sometimes what feels like love is actually attachment. Sometimes what feels like love is infatuation. Sometimes it’s sexual chemistry, loneliness, or a fear of being alone.

All three can make you think about someone constantly. They can make your mood rise or fall depending on whether the person replies to your text within five minutes, comments on your picture with a cute emoji, or responds positively to your sweet declaration of love. Unfortunately, our hearts can be terrible judges when we are lonely, hopeful, or aroused.

So what is the difference between love and those other two impostors?

Let’s take a look.

Love vs. Infatuation

Infatuation is exciting because it lives in the land of “anything is possible.”

Since you don’t fully know the person yet, your brain has plenty of room to fantasize. Long walks on the beach? Yes. Picking out a pet together? Yes. Your friends being wildly jealous of you? Um, yes! This is the kind of feeling that makes you imagine what your kids will look like.

Infatuation says:

• “Sure, we’ve only talked twice, but the connection is undeniable.”
• “I’ve never felt this way before.”
• “This could be something.”

And maybe it could be.

Infatuation is not bad. It can be fun, and sometimes it is the beginning of real love. Plenty of healthy relationships start with sparks and the kind of excitement that makes you feel like you’re walking on pink, fluffy clouds.

The problem is that infatuation is usually based more on fantasy than evidence. You are not just responding to who the person is. You are responding to who they might be, who you hope they are, and who your brain has decided they are after very limited data.

Love, on the other hand, has to deal with reality.

Love sees the actual person. Not just the attractive version. Not just the charming version. Not just the version who sends cutesy messages. Love sees their bad moods, bad habits, fears, flaws, communication style, emotional baggage, and that annoying way they eat spaghetti—and still chooses to care.

Infatuation asks, “Could this be amazing?”

Love asks, “Can I care for this person, warts and all?”

The Love vs. Infatuation Test

One of the easiest ways to tell the difference between love and infatuation is to look at what your mind does with the person’s flaws.

Let’s say you notice some red flags. Maybe your new partner doesn’t call when they say they will. Maybe they poke fun at you, and then laugh it off with “it’s just a joke!” Maybe they’re rude to waiters.

Do warning bells go off in your head, or do you try to find excuses?

“They’re too busy to call.”

“It was just a joke. I should lighten up.”

“Well, the waiter was a little slow.”

Love does not require someone to be perfect—that would be unreasonable. However, love doesn’t ignore bad behavior.

If it’s love, you will be able to say:

• “I care about you, but this behavior hurts me.”
• “I love you, but I need respect.”
• “I want this to work, but not at the cost of myself.”

Love vs. Attachment

Attachment is not automatically unhealthy. I know the word sounds kind of iffy, kind of sticky, but even healthy relationships involve attachment.

There are four attachment styles:

• Anxious attachment, which often comes with a fear of abandonment and a tendency to seek a lot of reassurance.
• Fearful-avoidant attachment, which often involves wanting closeness but also fearing being hurt.
• Avoidant attachment, which often comes with a strong desire for independence and discomfort with too much closeness.
• Secure attachment, which allows for closeness, trust, intimacy, and independence.

So when you’re securely attached, you bond with someone. You miss them when they’re not there, but you can also function without them. You feel connected to them and care whether they stay in your life. That is normal.

The problem is when attachment becomes fear-driven. Unhealthy attachment says:

• “If they pull away, I panic.”
• “If they don’t reassure me, I spiral.”
• “If this ends, I don’t know who I am.”
• “Their attention decides my mood for the day.”

Love says, “I want you in my life.”

Attachment says, “I need you in my life so I don’t fall apart.”

Big difference.

Love does not mean you never feel insecure. Even healthy people occasionally think, “Are we okay?” after receiving a text that feels one degree colder than usual.

But love can tolerate some space. It allows the other person to have their own thoughts, needs, friendships, interests, and emotions. It does not require constant access to their attention in order to feel secure.

Attachment struggles with space. It may push you to watch, test, cling, withdraw, interrogate, or demand reassurance in ways that drain both of you. You may find yourself reading into everything, checking for signs, or trying to control the relationship because uncertainty feels unbearable.

Attachment says, “I need you to behave in a way that calms me down.”

Love says, “I want to feel close to you, but I also understand that you are a separate person.”

The Love vs. Unhealthy Attachment Test

One of the clearest signs that attachment has taken over is the loss of self-respect. You accept things you know are not okay. You put your needs aside to focus on theirs. You make excuses for inexcusable behavior. You keep thinking, “I can change them.”

Love may require patience. Love may require compromise. Love may require difficult conversations. But love should not require you to abandon yourself.

Infatuation, attachment, and love can all feel awesome—and real—which is why they are so easy to confuse. But the difference matters. Infatuation is often built on fantasy, attachment is often driven by fear, and love, at its healthiest, is grounded in reality, respect, and emotional freedom. It does not require you to shrink yourself, chase reassurance, or ignore red flags.

Insightfully yours,

Queen D