I have a theory: I believe that many people who are insecure in relationships know something is going on, even if they don’t call it insecurity. They may know they overthink, need reassurance, pull away, get jealous, test a partner’s loyalty, or suddenly start analyzing text messages for hidden meanings.
And of those who believe they are secure, I suspect at least some aren’t as secure as they think, mostly because they may not recognize the signs of insecurity in themselves.
Now, I don’t have the data to back this up, so it’s only a theory, but it is based on two decades of studying human behavior.
Also, attachment styles can be fluid. Every person we interact with brings out different sides of us. This means that if you put someone who is generally secure—maybe because they’ve mostly been with emotionally mature partners—with someone who is distant, runs hot-and-cold, or feels “out of their league,” it might shift something in them.
They may start overthinking more, needing more reassurance, or feeling less sure of the relationship than they usually do. Does that mean they were secretly insecure all along? Not necessarily. It may simply mean that certain relationship dynamics woke up insecurities that were previously dormant.
Attachment styles are not meant to be labels you’re stuck with forever. They are patterns, and patterns can be understood and changed.
Let’s walk through the main attachment styles and what they can look like in real life.
By the way, if you want to find out how secure you are in relationships, check out our Relationship Attachment Style Test.
1. Secure Attachment: “I can love you and still have a life.”
If you’re someone with a secure attachment style, it means you’re comfortable getting close to people. You can rely on your partner without feeling like you’re becoming overly dependent, and you can give them space without worrying that they’ll run away as soon as someone new and shiny walks by. You’re also willing to spend time on your own because you understand the importance of being an individual, even in a relationship.
If something bothers you, you can usually say so without turning it into a Shakespearean play. And if you get into an argument with your partner, you won’t automatically assume it’s the beginning of the end.
Of course, this doesn’t mean securely attached people are always calm and level-headed in a relationship. They feel hurt sometimes. They still have days when a little reassurance from their partner feels nice. The difference is that once they are reassured, they are less likely to keep questioning it.
If you’re securely attached, you’re more likely to think, feel, or say the following:
“I was hurt by that, and I want to talk about it.”
“I trust you, but I still need to understand the situation.”
“I miss you, but I can handle some space.”
“I care about this relationship, and I also care about myself.”
2. Anxious Attachment: “Are we okay? Are you sure? Are you sure you’re sure?”
If you’re someone with an anxious attachment style, it means you strongly crave emotional and physical closeness with a partner, but that closeness often comes with a strong need for reassurance.
People with an anxious attachment style tend to be more prone to hypervigilance, or scanning the environment for danger. This can come from a finely tuned survival instinct, which may be shaped by trauma, neglect, inconsistent warmth and care, or painful experiences with abandonment or rejection.
When this sensitivity transfers into relationships, it can make anxious people very conscious of even the slightest changes in a partner’s tone, facial expression, or mood. And that’s when the worrying starts.
For example, if your partner seems distracted, you may worry that they’re pulling away, even when there is no clear evidence. You may replay recent conversations or events in your mind, looking for something you did wrong. You may feel unable to calm down until you receive reassurance that everything is okay between you.
The problem is that reassurance helps, but sometimes only briefly.
When your partner says, “Of course I’m not mad at you,” you may feel fine for a little while. Then your anxious brain whispers, “But what if they’re secretly mad at you? What if it’s a lie?”
If you’re anxiously attached, you’re more likely to think, feel, or say the following:
“Did I do something wrong?”
“Why are they acting different?”
“I know they said everything is fine, but what if it isn’t?”
“If I don’t do something now, they’ll pull away.”
3. Avoidant Attachment: “I’m fine. Please stop smothering me with feelings.”
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you’re more likely to feel uncomfortable when a relationship becomes emotionally close. As soon as feelings start to become more intense—your partner’s, but even your own—you may feel an urge to pull away.
Why start a relationship only to pull away? Because when you’re an avoidant type, getting too close to someone can feel like a trap. A relationship is like a melding of two lives, and with that comes the fear of losing something.
“What’s going to happen to my individuality, my freedom, my hobbies, my anime collection?”
People with avoidant attachment often value independence so much that needing others feels wrong. This can stem from early experiences with caregivers who were emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or who made independence feel necessary too soon—like kids who have to become self-reliant at a young age because their parents were immature, overwhelmed, or neglectful. So rather than risk needing someone who may not be there for them, avoidant people may become fiercely self-sufficient… and distant.
They may pull away, physically and/or emotionally, and push away all those lovey, mushy feelings as they convince themselves they are better off alone.
Do avoidant people even want a relationship? Yes, often. But it may need to be on their terms: moving at their pace, with enough time alone and independence to avoid feeling smothered, and preferably with a partner who is not overly dependent.
If you’re avoidantly attached, you’re more likely to think, feel, or say the following:
“I don’t need anyone.”
“I’m better off on my own.”
“This is moving too fast.”
“I feel trapped or suffocated when someone needs too much from me.”
4. Disorganized Attachment: “Come here. No, never mind. Actually, please stay. No, forget it.”
If you’re someone with a disorganized attachment style, I promise you, you’re not a “hot mess.” You’re scared.
Disorganized attachment can feel like a constant internal tug-of-war. You really want to be loved and get close to someone, but then you get antsy when things become more intimate. One moment you trust your partner, and the next you’re testing their loyalty. One moment you think this is a relationship that will last a lifetime, and the next you’re practically giving a PowerPoint presentation titled “Why You Should Break Up with Me.” You reach out for affection then pull away, ask for reassurance then distrust it.
Take a deep breath. And another. And one more.
Why do you do this? Why can’t you make up your mind? Why do you fear something that you also want so much? Because for people with this attachment style, the desire for comfort and the feeling of fear can become tangled together. This can happen when someone very close to you, someone you depended on, was unpredictable. Frightening one moment, warm the next. Responsive, then unavailable. Loving, then neglectful. So your nervous system may have learned that love and relationships are both necessary and dangerous.
One of the biggest challenges with disorganized attachment is not just trust issues, but the internal struggle to stay present in a relationship long enough to assess whether someone is actually trustworthy. As things become more serious, the urge to pull away can become more intense, and you may start scanning for signs that something is wrong. So it becomes harder to learn whether the relationship is safe, because your brain is already reacting as if danger is coming.
“Run. This is where people might abandon you. Leave before they do.”
But then they don’t leave, so you draw close again—and the pattern continues.
If you have a disorganized attachment style, you’re more likely to think, feel, or say the following:
“I want to be close, but I don’t feel safe.”
“I don’t trust them, but I don’t want them to leave.”
“I need reassurance, but I don’t believe it when I get it.”
“I feel too much, and I don’t know what to do with it.”
How to Work with Your Attachment Style
If you lean anxious, practice pausing before seeking reassurance. Ask:
“Am I responding to what is happening, or to what I fear might happen?”
“Can I reassure myself before I ask someone else to reassure me?”
“If I were secure, what would I be doing differently?”
If you lean avoidant, practice staying present a little longer than usual. Ask:
“Do I need space, or am I escaping discomfort?”
“Can I ask for space or time alone without shutting the other person out?”
“What feeling am I trying not to feel?”
If you lean disorganized, focus on safety and support. Ask:
“What am I feeling right now, and what fear or false belief might be driving that feeling?”
“Is something actually wrong here, or does this situation remind me of an old fear?”
“Can I take a few minutes to calm down before I say or do anything?”
And if you are secure, congratulations. But secure attachment still takes effort. It means communicating honestly, resolving conflict in a healthy way, respecting boundaries, and staying connected without losing yourself.
Attachment styles can help you understand why your relationships sometimes make you feel calm, clingy, trapped, suspicious, or ready to climb out the bathroom window. They put words to patterns that may have been going on for years. But they are not meant to become a permanent identity.
The point is awareness. When you understand your patterns, you have more room to choose differently.
- You can pause before asking for reassurance again.
- You can stay present instead of shutting down.
- You can notice when old fears are driving your reactions.
Does breaking an unhealthy relationship pattern require therapy? Sometimes. Not because you’re “broken,” but because it’s often easier to see yourself more clearly with someone else helping you look. A therapist can bring the pattern into the light, help you understand the experiences, beliefs, and habits that keep it going, and help you feel more secure not just in relationships, but within yourself too.
Insightfully yours,
Queen D