I’m rather fascinated—though somewhat disturbed—by this trend of some men calling themselves “alphas” and labeling anyone who is not like them as “betas.”

I say fascinated because the irony seems to be lost on these so-called “alphas.”

You see, real confidence is not loudness or dominance. Real confidence is much quieter. I’ve seen confident men—and women—command the respect of an entire room by simply speaking a few words calmly but firmly. I’ve also seen loud, blustery bullies silenced with one look from a confident person. It was like watching someone tame a bear in the wild.

I’d make a fairly large wager that most “alphas” are actually insecure. They may hide it well, even to the point where they believe their own hype, but the truth is that fake confidence hits different. It can look impressive at first because it often comes with energy, charisma, and strong opinions. However, underneath it, there is usually fear.

So how can you tell the difference? Here are some signs your confidence may not be as solid as it looks.

(How solid is your self-image? Check out Queendom’s Self-esteem Test.)

1. You need to be right all the time.

Confident people can be wrong without turning it into an argument. They may not enjoy it—because who does?—but they can usually admit when they missed something, misunderstood something, or made a mistake.

Fake confidence has a much harder time with that. If being wrong feels humiliating, threatening, or unbearable, that is likely a sign of confidence issues. You may continue to defend your opinion despite being shown evidence to the contrary. Or you may correct minor details in what your opponent has said—even if it’s irrelevant—just to regain a sense of control.

Arrogance is never the same as confidence.

2. You can’t handle feedback without getting defensive.

Nobody loves criticism; even constructive feedback can sting. However, people with real confidence always recognize when there is room for improvement.

Fake confidence often reacts to feedback like an attack. You may explain, justify, blame, minimize, or point out everything the other person did wrong instead. Instead of asking, “Is there something useful here?” your brain goes straight to, “How dare they?”

The problem is that defensiveness can make you look strong in the moment, but what it often reflects is fragility. If you can’t tolerate feedback, you’ll never gain real confidence.

3. You compare yourself constantly.

Fake confidence keeps score of everything.

Both people with real and fake confidence feel good when they do better than someone else. But only those with fake confidence get upset when someone else succeeds. If you frequently compare your appearance, intelligence, career, relationships, popularity, or lifestyle against other people’s, your confidence is more likely to be fragile. Somehow, every observation becomes evidence that you are winning, losing, or not measuring up.

Real confidence does not require you to make other people feel small, weak, or inferior in order to feel good. You can admire someone else without turning their success into a personal insult.

4. You act like you don’t care, but you care a lot.

Some people confuse confidence with indifference. They act unbothered, unimpressed, emotionally detached, or above it all. Nothing affects them. Nothing matters. They always say they’re “fine.”

But sometimes “I don’t care” really means “I care a lot. I just don’t want people to know it or they’ll think I’m weak or a sissy.”

Fake confidence shows up when you pretend you’re not hurt, nervous, excited, or emotionally affected by something that pretty much everyone would be affected by. You may end relationships instead of taking the risk of getting hurt. You may make jokes about someone else’s faults before they have a chance to make fun of yours. You may act cold, bored, or unimpressed when what you really feel is nervous, hopeful, or afraid.

Real confidence does not require emotional numbness. You can care and still be strong.

5. You need attention to feel secure.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying attention, praise, compliments, or recognition. Most people like being appreciated. The problem starts when your confidence depends on it.

Fake confidence may need constant external proof: compliments, likes, approval, admiration, reassurance, or being the most interesting person in the room. Without that attention, you may start to feel invisible, insecure, or strangely empty. Like a friend of mine who would take down any pictures of herself when they didn’t get enough likes.

Real confidence can enjoy praise without needing it as a confidence crutch.

6. You put other people down to feel better.

I alluded to this earlier, because this is one of the clearest signs of fake confidence.

I recently heard someone say, “Truly happy people don’t feel the need to bring others down. It wouldn’t even occur to them.”

I’d like to add that a truly confident person will never feel the need to make others feel inferior. If you need to mock, belittle, or criticize others in order to feel superior, that is not confidence. That is insecurity.

Confident people can recognize someone else’s beauty, intelligence, talent, success, or popularity. Fake confidence, however, often feels threatened by other people’s strengths. So it protects itself by finding flaws.

“She’s not even that pretty.”

“He only got that job because he knows someone.”

“Everyone acts like they’re amazing, but I don’t see it.”

Sometimes those comments say less about the other person and more about the insecurity underneath.

Fake confidence is usually rigid. It has to look good, be right, and keep control. Fake confidence is also exhausting because it has to keep proving something.

Real confidence is more flexible. It allows for mistakes, awkwardness, learning, vulnerability, and disappointment. Real confidence also doesn’t mean you never feel insecure. It just means you don’t let that insecurity dictate how you feel about yourself or how you treat others.

Most importantly, fake confidence is about protecting an image. Real confidence is about being able to live without one.

Insightfully yours,

Queen D