On my very first day in college, in my very first class, the professor asked everyone to share where they saw themselves in ten years. Long story short, nothing I said that day came true.

When you were younger, you probably had a pretty good idea of how your life would turn out—or rather, how you wanted it to turn out. Maybe you imagined yourself married by thirty, with two children, a beautiful house, a successful career, and enough money to take amazing vacations.

Maybe some of those things happened. Maybe none of them did.

Maybe, as you’re reading this, you’re in a career you never saw yourself doing, living somewhere you never intended to settle, or single at an age when you thought you’d have a family. Maybe you had to give up a dream because of illness, financial circumstances, family responsibilities, or simply because things didn’t work out. And even if your life is generally good, you might occasionally find yourself wondering what it would have been like if things had gone differently.

It’s common to grieve a version of your life that never happened, but how do you make peace with the things that didn’t work out, the choices you didn’t make, and the dreams you eventually had to let go of? Here’s how:

Stop comparing your real life to an imaginary one.

The life we didn’t live can look really wonderful in our imaginations. That doesn’t mean it’s how things would have turned out.

If you’d taken that job overseas, maybe you’d be living in a quant seaside town in an apartment overlooking the ocean. If you’d married your college sweetheart, maybe you’d still be blissfully in love. If you’d pursued that artistic career, maybe you’d be famous, with people falling over themselves to buy your art.

Notice, however, how these fantasies rarely include annoying stuff like dealing with bills, difficult bosses, arguments about chores or money, or discovering that your dream apartment has a view of a local who wears speedos two sizes too small. This is because when we imagine an alternative life, we often picture the best possible version of it. However, every choice comes with trade-offs, and every path has its own disappointments, frustrations, and unexpected problems.

Maybe that overseas job would have been wonderful. Or maybe you would have felt terribly lonely. Perhaps your college sweetheart would have made an excellent partner. Or perhaps you’d have discovered that you were completely incompatible as adults. There’s no way to know for sure.

When you catch yourself comparing your actual life to an imaginary life in which everything conveniently worked out beautifully, remind yourself that there is no guarantee things would have worked out that way.

Let go of the person you thought you’d become.

Not all disappointment is about the things we didn’t get to experience. Sometimes it’s about the person we imagined we’d be.

Maybe you thought you’d become an adventurer who traveled frequently and enjoyed the thrill of new experiences. Instead, you’ve developed a boring routine, and the most exciting thing you did last weekend was buy new shower curtains.

Maybe you imagined yourself accomplished and financially successful by now. Instead, you’re still figuring things out, doubting your decisions, and wondering why everyone else is succeeding at adulting.

It’s easy to look at the gap between who you expected to become and who you actually are and see yourself as a failure. However, the younger version of you was making predictions with very limited information. You didn’t know what opportunities would come along, which wouldn’t, what difficulties you’d encounter, what responsibilities you’d take on, or how your priorities would change. And you certainly didn’t know everything about yourself.

You haven’t failed to become the person you were supposed to be. You simply became someone different.

Don’t feel obligated to find a silver lining in every disappointment.

I’m not sure how I feel about the phrase “Everything happens for a reason” or “It’s all part of God’s plan.”

Sometimes people say it because they genuinely want to comfort you. But when you’ve lost something important or had to give up a dream, being told that it was all part of some mysterious plan isn’t the least bit comforting.

Sometimes things happen because of unfortunate circumstances, bad decisions, or other people’s actions. And sometimes the only honest response is, “Well, this sucks.”

You don’t have to believe that losing a relationship was the best thing that ever happened to you. You don’t have to feel grateful for getting laid off because it will teach you resilience. And you don’t have to convince yourself that every painful experience was necessary to make you the person you are today.

Making peace with your life doesn’t require rewriting your history to make all the bad stuff sound like a blessing.

Give yourself the chance to want something different.

One of the problems with the plans we make for our lives is that we can become so attached to them that we forget we’re allowed to change our minds.

Maybe you spent years wanting a prestigious career, only to discover that you’d rather have a less demanding job with more free time. Maybe you always imagined living in a big city, but now the idea of a quiet house miles away from any neighbors sounds wonderful.

Changing your priorities doesn’t mean you’ve lowered your standards or given up. It may mean you’ve learned more about yourself.

You don’t owe your younger self a particular lifestyle simply because you thought it sounded impressive at the time. And you certainly don’t need to keep chasing a dream that no longer makes you happy just to prove that you haven’t failed.

The person you are today gets to have a say in what happens next.

I think one of the more difficult parts of life is realizing that there are countless paths, possibilities, or realities that we’ll never get to experience.

Every choice closes off certain potentials. Every unexpected turn takes us somewhere we hadn’t planned to go. And some opportunities disappear before we ever get the chance to pursue them. It’s normal to feel sad about that.

When you find yourself mourning what could have been, I want you to remember one thing: your life isn’t finished. There are still decisions to make, experiences to have, people to meet, and things you haven’t discovered yet.

If you’re curious about how you feel about your life overall, check out Queendom’s Life Satisfaction Test.

Insightfully yours,

Queen D