I have never really enjoyed shopping. The parking, the crowds, and parting with my hard-earned money. However, there is something rather satisfying about finding an amazing deal on an item you’ve been wanting for a while. Like my air fryer and my smoothie maker.

I know plenty of people who love to shop—and I know a few people who love to shop when they’re feeling sad or upset. There’s even a name for shopping to make yourself feel better: retail therapy.

And I get it. Some people turn to food when they’re not in a good mood. Some turn to shopping. You’re having a terrible day, so you buy yourself something nice. Maybe it’s a pair of shoes, a new book, a candle that smells like cookies (when did candles get so expensive?!), or a new, fancy gadget. You feel a little happier, a little more in control, and perhaps even a little excited.

What’s the harm?

Well, occasionally treating yourself isn’t a problem. But there’s a difference between buying something because you want it and buying something because you desperately want to feel better.

So how can you tell when shopping has become more of an emotional coping mechanism than an enjoyable activity? Let’s find out.

(By the way, you might want to check out the Shopaholic Test on Queendom).

1. Shopping is your automatic response to a bad day.

You have an argument with your partner. You go shopping. Your boss criticizes your work. You go shopping. You’re lonely, disappointed, anxious, overwhelmed, or simply having one of those days when the universe seems determined to throw everything your way. And somehow, you end up browsing Amazon.

The problem isn’t that shopping occasionally improves your mood. It’s that you may have started using it as your primary way of dealing with uncomfortable emotions.

Shopping is particularly convenient for this purpose. It gives you something pleasant to focus on. You get to imagine owning something new and anticipate how happy you’ll feel when your purchase arrives. So for a little while, you’re not thinking about your problems.

But here’s what I want you to consider: If shopping is the first thing you reach for whenever you’re unhappy, what are you avoiding?

Maybe you’re not allowing yourself to feel disappointment. Maybe you don’t know how to soothe yourself when you’re anxious. Maybe you’re so accustomed to finding immediate relief that you’ve forgotten how to sit with an uncomfortable emotion.

2. You buy things for the person you wish you were.

Have you ever purchased something because you imagined it would turn you into a slightly different version of yourself? You buy expensive workout clothes because you’re definitely going to hit the gym hard this time. You buy an impressive collection of books because you’re going to start reading for two hours every night. You buy sophisticated kitchen equipment because you’re going to prepare delicious homemade meals instead of eating cereal out of the box.

There’s nothing wrong with investing in your goals. Sometimes buying the right equipment or supplies genuinely helps us get started. But sometimes we’re not buying something we need. We’re buying a fantasy about who we might become.

If you feel unsuccessful, you might buy things that make you look successful. If you feel unattractive, you convince yourself that a new outfit or face cream will solve the problem. Shopping temporarily makes you feel closer to the person you want to be.

At some point, you have to stop shopping for the person you wish you were and start doing the things that would make you that person.

3. You keep shopping even when you know you shouldn’t.

This is where retail therapy can become a much more serious problem.

You know your budget is tight. You know you have bills coming up. You know you really don’t need the thing you want to buy, but you buy it anyway. You tell yourself you deserve it. You’ve had a stressful week. You work hard. It was on sale. You can always return it. You’ll be more careful next month. But if you repeatedly spend money you can’t afford to lose or make purchases you later regret, it’s time to look at what’s driving that behavior.

Emotional spending can involve a tug-of-war between what you want right now and what you know will be better for you in the long run. Right now, buying something feels good. Later, you may have to deal with the consequences. And when you’re feeling particularly stressed, sad, or overwhelmed, that immediate relief can become much more appealing than the distant responsibility of paying the credit card bill.

Here’s a question to ask yourself: Would I still want this item if I were feeling perfectly happy and content right now?

If the answer is no, maybe what you’re looking for isn’t the item. It’s relief.

4. You feel guilty afterward, so you shop again to feel better.

This is a particularly unpleasant cycle. You feel bad, so you buy something. Your mood gets a little boost. Then the excitement wears off, and you start thinking about how much you spent. Now you feel guilty.

You might criticize yourself for wasting money, worry about your finances, or promise that you’ll never do it again. And because feeling guilty is uncomfortable, you’re tempted to do something that will cheer you up—like shopping. Only this time, you tell yourself that you’ll buy something much less expensive.

Not everyone who shops emotionally experiences this cycle. But when spending regularly leads to guilt, financial stress, secrecy, or arguments, pay attention. I talk about this more in a study we conducted, which you can read about here.

At that point, the issue is no longer simply enjoying shopping a little too much. It’s about a behavior that’s becoming difficult to control and creating problems in your life. And the solution isn’t to shame yourself into stopping. Shame is another uncomfortable emotion, and you’ve already learned what you tend to do when those show up.

You need to understand the pattern.

5. You use shopping to feel more in control.

By now, having read everything above, you understand the irony of trying to find a sense of control in a difficult-to-control habit.

Fact: you can’t control what other people do. But you know what you can control? Whether you buy the red shoes or the black ones. Or whether you keep your perfectly functioning phone or upgrade it.

Shopping offers a small sense of control because it gives you choices. You can decide what you want, compare alternatives, and make something happen. And when the rest of your life feels chaotic or uncertain, that sense of control can be comforting.

So while you may not be able to fix your relationship today, you can fix your wardrobe by ordering new clothes. You may not be able to love a job you hate, but you can buy yourself a new outfit and imagine how fabulous you’ll look walking into the office tomorrow.

Small choices can genuinely help us feel more in control. However, if shopping becomes the main way you reclaim that feeling, you may be avoiding situations where you need to take action.

Sometimes the better question isn’t “What should I buy?” It’s “What in my life is making me feel so powerless, and is there anything I can actually do about it?”

How to Stop Shopping Your Feelings Away

I’m not going to tell you to stop shopping. What I want is to help you recognize when shopping has become your default response to emotions you don’t know how to handle.

Here are a few ways to start changing that pattern:

• Identify the feeling before opening your wallet. Are you stressed, lonely, bored, anxious, angry, disappointed, or insecure? Try naming the emotion rather than immediately distracting yourself from it.

• Introduce a waiting period. Before buying something, you want but don’t really need, wait a full 48 hours. If you still want it when your mood has settled and you can afford it without relying on a credit card, buy it.

• Make shopping less automatic. Unsubscribe from promotional emails, remove saved payment details, turn off shopping notifications, and avoid browsing stores when you’re feeling vulnerable.

• Find other ways to feel better. Call a friend, go for a walk, exercise, listen to music, work on a hobby, or do something that addresses what you’re actually feeling.

• Set a budget. You don’t have to eliminate treats. Having money set aside for guilt-free purchases can help you enjoy shopping without jeopardizing your finances.

• Be curious about the regret. If you repeatedly feel guilty after buying something, consider whether the purchase was worth it and what you were hoping it would change.

And if shopping has become difficult to control, is causing significant debt, or is seriously affecting your relationships and well-being, it’s time to talk to a mental health professional. Compulsive buying isn’t something you can always fix with a tighter budget and a little more self-discipline. Sometimes it requires professional help.

I don’t think retail therapy is inherently bad. Sometimes a new book or a pair of shoes you’ve been admiring for months can brighten your day. There’s nothing wrong with that. However, there’s a difference between something that adds a little happiness to your life and something you keep buying because it feels like something is missing.

So the next time you feel an overwhelming urge to buy something, ask yourself what you’re really hoping to get out of it. Most of the time, the thing you need most isn’t sitting in a shopping cart.

Insightfully yours,

Queen D