I view self-trust as the basis of so many psychological, relationship, career, and personal issues we struggle with. Why? Because it’s hard to take pretty much any action when you don’t trust yourself.

Have you ever made a decision, felt perfectly comfortable with it, and then talked to someone who made you question the whole thing? Suddenly, you start imagining everything that could go wrong. You ask three more people for their opinions, Google the problem, and read a bunch of Reddit threads. And now you’re in total panic mode, because everyone is telling you the opposite of what your gut is telling you.

It’ll probably come as no surprise, but many of us tend to put more faith in other people’s judgment than in our own—especially if they have a degree or are an authority figure. We assume they know something we don’t. Maybe they’re smarter, more experienced, more sensible, or better equipped to make decisions. And sometimes they are. But there’s a problem when you start treating everyone else’s opinion as more credible than your own.

So how do you learn to trust yourself more? And what does that even mean?

Self-trust doesn’t mean believing you’re always right. It means having confidence in your ability to think things through, make decisions, recognize mistakes, and deal with what happens afterward.

And if that’s something you struggle with, here are a few ways to build self-trust.

1. Stop asking everyone else what you should do.

There’s nothing wrong with asking for advice. Other people may have experience, expertise, or information you don’t. Sometimes another perspective can save you from a really bad decision. But if you can’t seem to make a decision without consulting a whole bunch of people, that’s a problem.

The downside of constantly asking other people what to do is that you may gradually lose confidence in your ability to decide for yourself. You become so concerned with choosing the option everyone else believes is right that you stop considering what you believe is right for you.

Try something different. Before asking for advice, come up with your own answer first. What do you think you should do? Why? What matters most to you? What are your concerns? Then seek input if you need it.

Advice should help you make a decision, not replace your judgment entirely.

2. Stop treating mistakes as proof that your judgment can’t be trusted.

Take a moment to think about the last time you made a bad decision.

Maybe you trusted someone who turned out to be dishonest. Maybe you accepted a job that looked great on paper but turned into a nightmare. Maybe you spent money on something that turned out to be a bad investment. Maybe you ignored a warning sign about a partner.

What did you tell yourself afterward?

“I should’ve known better.”

“I’m such an idiot.”

“Why do I always make such bad decisions?”

Here’s the problem with that thinking: you’re judging your ability to make decisions based on information you didn’t necessarily have at the time. It’s easy to look back at a situation and see all the things you missed. But that’s because you now know how the story ended. You didn’t have that advantage when you were making the decision. And even when you make a thoughtful, reasonable choice, things can still go wrong.

Instead of asking, “How could I have been so stupid?” ask yourself, “What didn’t I know then that I know now? What did I overlook? What can I learn from this?”

There’s a big difference between recognizing that you made a mistake and deciding that you’re fundamentally incapable of making good decisions.

3. Learn the difference between intuition and fear.

People love saying, “Trust your gut,” and that’s excellent advice. For example, you meet someone and something feels off about them. Or you’re about to make a decision and can’t shake the feeling that it just isn’t the right move. This might be because your intuition is picking up on information you haven’t consciously put together yet.

But here’s the catch: anxiety can produce uncomfortable feelings too. Fear can make unfamiliar situations feel dangerous. It can convince you that something terrible is about to happen, even when there’s little evidence to support that conclusion.

So how do you tell the difference? Start by examining what the feeling is based on.

• Can you identify something specific that concerns you?
• Has the person behaved inconsistently?
• Have you noticed a pattern?

Or is the feeling mostly driven by what-if thoughts like, “What if I fail?” “What if people judge me?” or “What if I regret this?”

For example, feeling uneasy about accepting a job because the interviewer keeps changing the terms is worth investigating. Feeling uneasy because you’re worried you won’t be good enough for the position may have more to do with self-doubt.

A gut feeling may come with fear, but there’s usually a sense of clarity behind it—a knowing. Something feels right or wrong, even if you can’t explain why. Fear, on the other hand, tends to create confusion. Your thoughts jump from one possibility to another, imagining everything that could go wrong. Follow your gut, not your fear.

4. Figure out what you actually want.

This may sound ridiculously obvious, but some people genuinely struggle to answer the question, “What do you want?” Or they think they know what they want, but then when they get it, it turns out to not be what they want.

What’s worse is that we are sometimes really good at identifying what everyone else wants. Like when your parents want you to pursue a particular career, or how society has a huge collection of expectations about what you should have accomplished by a certain age.

And somewhere in that crowd of opinions, your own preferences get lost.

I find that people experience a cathartic coming-out-of-the-dark moment when they start questioning their beliefs—and why they believed them in the first place. It’s like a thick, velvety veil was removed from their eyes, or a big hunk of wax had been extracted from their ears. You begin to realize how many of your beliefs, preferences, and life choices were shaped by other people’s expectations rather than your own desires. And for the first time, you start asking yourself what you actually want.

If you’ve spent years trying to please people, avoid conflict, or make the choices others consider acceptable, you may have become accustomed to looking outward for direction.

Start practicing having preferences. And don’t automatically dismiss them because someone else might disagree.

5. Practice making decisions without needing certainty.

One reason self-trust is difficult is that people sometimes confuse confidence with certainty. They think they’ll trust themselves once they’re absolutely sure they’re making the right choice. But certainty is a luxury life rarely offers.

You can’t know for sure whether a new job will be everything you hoped for. You can’t predict exactly how a relationship will develop. You can’t guarantee that moving, changing careers, starting a business, or pursuing a goal will work out. You can research, plan, prepare, and make the most informed decision possible, but eventually you have to choose.

And that’s where self-trust comes in.

Recognize that even if things don’t work out, you have some ability to respond. You can adjust your plans, seek help, learn new skills, change direction, or acknowledge that you made a mistake. That is a certainty.

Here’s a good way to stretch your self-trust muscle: choose a restaurant without reading all 248 reviews. Pick an outfit without asking someone whether it looks okay. Make weekend plans based on what sounds enjoyable to you. The point is to get comfortable making thoughtful choices without expecting a guarantee that everything will go perfectly.

To get a more in-depth understanding of your decision-making style and what might be blocking you, check out Queendom’s Decision-Making Style Test.

6. Recognize when someone has taught you to doubt yourself.

Sometimes a lack of self-trust isn’t something you developed on your own. Maybe you grew up with parents who criticized every decision you made. Maybe you were told or made to believe that your mistakes and failures were evidence that you were careless, foolish, or incapable. Or maybe you were in a relationship with someone who constantly questioned your judgment.

• “Are you sure that’s what happened? That’s not how I remember it.”
• “You always overreact.”
• “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
• “Just let me handle it.”

When you hear messages like these often enough, you may start believing them.

To overcome this, start by noticing whose voice or words you’re hearing when you question yourself. Is it genuinely your assessment of the situation, or does it sound suspiciously like something your parent, ex, teacher, boss, or other influential person used to say?

Remember, other people’s lack of confidence in you doesn’t have to become your opinion of yourself.

Trusting yourself doesn’t mean never asking for advice, never feeling uncertain, or never making a mistake. And it certainly doesn’t mean stubbornly sticking with a terrible decision just because you made it. It means giving your own judgment a fair chance. It means recognizing that you have useful experiences, knowledge, preferences, and instincts, even if other people don’t always agree with you.

You’ll still make mistakes. You’ll still occasionally wish you’d done something differently. You may even look back at a decision and wonder what on earth you were thinking. But making a mistake doesn’t mean you need someone else to take over the decision-making in your life.

You can learn to trust yourself by making choices, paying attention to the outcomes, admitting when you get something wrong, and recognizing when you’ve handled something well.

Insightfully yours,

Queen D