In 2023, I examined data from people who took Queendom’s Hardiness Test—you can learn more about the study here. It revealed that, in this sample, verbal abuse had more long-term psychological effects than physical abuse. It also showed that people who experienced a combination of different types of abuse were significantly more likely to struggle with mental health issues.

And yet…

Each group of abuse survivors showed strong signs of resilience, perseverance, and the desire to heal. And I can tell you, I have never been more amazed by the indomitability of the human spirit.

In this blog, I want to cover a type of abuse that isn’t discussed very often and that wasn’t covered in my study: emotional. Emotional abuse refers to a repeated pattern where the perpetrator uses criticism, guilt, fear, control, humiliation, or manipulation to make another person feel helpless and powerless.

A history of emotional abuse leaves a trace. And that impact can be difficult to interpret if you don’t know a partner’s history. You might view your partner’s behavior as confusing, difficult, or even dramatic without really knowing what’s going on underneath. I hope to shed some light on that.

This does not mean you should diagnose your partner, excuse harmful behavior, or turn yourself into their therapist. But understanding their past may help explain what’s happening.

So let’s look at some ways a history of emotional abuse can show up in new relationships.

1. Constant apologizing

Emotional abuse survivors apologize a lot. They may apologize for being too tired to hang out. They may apologize for asking a question. They may apologize for taking too long to answer a text, not knowing what they want for dinner, crying, or doing anything that may bother or inconvenience you.

You might say, “Why are you apologizing? You didn’t do anything wrong.” And that’s exactly the point.

Someone who has been emotionally abused may have learned that taking blame quickly was safer than waiting to be blamed, even if they were not at fault. Apologizing may have become a way to stop someone from getting angry or punishing them. It may not even feel like a choice anymore. It may be automatic.

For emotional abuse survivors, “sorry” doesn’t always mean “I did something wrong.” Sometimes it means, “Please don’t be mad at me.”

2. Heightened reactions to normal things

If someone doesn’t respond to your text right away, what’s the first thought that comes to mind? “They’re probably busy,” right? Not for emotional abuse survivors.

To them, a delayed text can feel like abandonment. A sigh can feel like anger. A change in tone can feel like a warning. A neutral facial expression can become evidence that something bad is coming.

When someone has lived in an emotionally unsafe environment, they become very good at scanning for danger. They may notice tiny changes most people would miss. Unfortunately, the downside of hypervigilance is a brain that starts seeing danger where there isn’t any.

This can be exhausting—for both people. You get tired of constantly being accused of being angry, harsh, or cold. Your partner is tired of always scanning and bracing for impact.

3. Reassurance that doesn’t bring relief

If your partner has been emotionally abused, reassurance may not sink in right away, if at all.

You might say, “I love you.” They believe you for a little while, then doubt creeps back in. You say, “I’m not angry.” They ask again. You say, “We’re okay.” They still watch your face for signs that you secretly aren’t.

Reassurance can be difficult to trust when someone has learned that words and behavior don’t always match. Maybe someone in their past said “I love you” and then did something hurtful. Maybe someone said “I’m not mad” and then punished them with silence. Maybe apologies were followed by the same pattern of behavior again and again.

So their brain treats reassurance as temporary. The doubt they feel may not be about you personally. It may be about what their brain learned to expect.

4. Shutting down during conflict

Conflict can trigger fight, flight, or freeze responses. People who have been emotionally abused may be more likely to flee or freeze.

Your partner may go quiet during a conflict. They may stop making eye contact, give one-word answers, or say “I don’t know” over and over. This can be maddening if you’re trying to have an honest conversation. But shutting down doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t care. It may mean their brain has decided that speaking is dangerous.

Maybe, in the past, anything they said was twisted around to make them look bad. Maybe defending themselves made things worse. Maybe their feelings or tears were mocked. Maybe disagreeing led to yelling, punishment, or days of cold silence. So now, during conflict, their system hits the eject button.

Shutting down may make your partner look stubborn or indifferent, but inside they are likely quite overwhelmed.

5. Getting hyper-defensive

“Slow down a bit, the roads are slippery.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“You forgot to lock the door.”

“The laundry needs to be separated before you wash it.”

All of these statements seem quite innocent—and helpful. But not necessarily to emotional abuse survivors.

If someone has been blamed for everything, feedback is a minefield. A gentle concern may sound like an accusation. So they defend themselves quickly. They explain, justify, argue, or point out what you did wrong. Their brain and body react as if admitting fault will lead to something worse.

An abusive past does not in any way excuse a lack of accountability. However, there is a need for understanding. So saying “Your reaction makes sense given what you’ve been through,” is just as important as “But I still need you to take responsibility for how you responded.”

6. Ignoring their needs

Someone with an emotionally abusive past may have learned that expressing their needs creates problems.

Maybe they were called needy, selfish, demanding, spoiled, or undeserving. So in a new relationship, they may say, “I’m fine,” when they’re very much not fine. They may really want something but be afraid to ask. They may hope you magically notice what they need, then feel hurt when you don’t. They may downplay their feelings until those feelings come out as irritation, withdrawal, or sudden tears.

For someone who learned that needs were dangerous, being direct is extremely difficult and scary. Your partner has to essentially unlearn a behavior they upheld for so long because it helped them survive.

How to Support a Partner With an Emotionally Abusive Past

If your partner has been emotionally abused, support, consistency, and patience matter. But so do boundaries. You can love someone and still not be responsible for healing every wound, fighting every fear, or proving every day that you’re not the person who hurt them before.

Here are some ways to help:

• Be consistent. Follow through. Say what you mean. Don’t use threats, silent treatment, or mind games.

• Speak clearly during conflict. A simple “I’m upset, but I’m not leaving” can be comforting for someone who expects abandonment or punishment.

• Don’t mock their sensitivity. Some emotional abuse survivors recognize that their reactions can be extreme. But shaming them will not make them feel better or safer expressing their feelings.

• Encourage therapy if the pattern is deeply rooted. You can help create safety, but you can’t be someone’s therapist. Leave that to the professionals.

• Keep your own boundaries. Their past may explain some reactions, but it does not excuse controlling, cruel, or harmful behavior.

Your partner’s reactions may make more sense when you understand what they learned to survive. The apologizing, the overexplaining, the defensiveness, the fear of being “in trouble”—these are often old protective habits, not proof that they don’t trust you or care about you.

Insightfully yours,

Queen D