I don’t spend much time on social media and don’t know much about the jargon, but the “main character energy” one caught my attention. I think most people realize that it’s pretty much narcissism repackaged for a younger generation, but I thought I’d look up the definition anyway.

Main character energy is the tendency to behave as though you’re the most important person in every situation, and everyone else is merely part of your story.

So how can you tell if you’ve developed a bad case of main character energy? Let’s find out.

1. You turn every conversation back to yourself.

Your friend is telling you about a rough day at work. Before they’ve even finished, you jump in with a story about your terrible boss. Someone mentions they’re going on vacation, and you immediately launch into a detailed account of your recent trip. Someone tells you they’re exhausted, and you explain how you only got three hours of sleep last night.

It’s not a competition, dear. But making it into one may reflect main character energy.

Now, sharing a similar experience is fine, but if nearly every conversation somehow ends up being about you, there’s a problem.

People with main character energy often listen just long enough to find an opening for their own story. They may interrupt, dominate conversations, or steer the topic back to something they find more interesting—which can often be themselves.

The problem is that this behavior won’t go unnoticed by other people, so they’ll either humor your ego or they’ll eventually just stop conversing with you. What’s the point of telling you about their lives if the conversation always turns into another episode of The Fascinating Adventures of Me?

2. You expect people to accommodate your preferences.

If a person with main character energy doesn’t like the restaurant their friends picked, they’ll insist on going somewhere else. If they’re running late, people should wait. If they want to change plans at the last minute, everyone should be flexible. If they’re not in the mood to socialize, the gathering should be postponed. Basically, their preferences have to carry more weight than everyone else’s. And they might not quite understand why that’s selfish.

So if you’ve done any of the above before, answer these questions: Do you extend the same consideration to other people? When someone else wants to change the plans, do you accommodate them? When they’re running late, are you understanding? When they need space, do you respect it? Or do their needs suddenly become inconvenient?

If it’s the last one, you’ve got MCE.

3. It bothers you when someone else gets the spotlight.

Imagine that, in a span of a month, your friend got promoted to an amazing position, your sibling got engaged, your coworker received a very prestigious award, and someone announced they’re expecting a baby.

How would that make you feel? Would you be happy for them, or would the fact that everyone’s attention is on them leave you feeling bitter, jealous, or left out?

Someone with main character energy might interrupt the congratulations with an announcement of their own. Or they may exaggerate something happening in their life to get people asking questions. Or maybe they suddenly become upset about something, and now everyone has to stop celebrating and tend to their feelings.

If you’re someone with this type of energy, you want people to notice you, talk about you, ask about you, and, ideally, admire you. And when the attention shifts elsewhere, you feel an irresistible urge to pull it back.

I say this with kindness: let people have their moment. It doesn’t take anything away from you.

4. You turn minor inconveniences into major injustices.

Trying to make a reservation at a restaurant that is fully booked would probably frustrate a lot of people. So would not finding your size at a store, having your parking spot taken, a package arriving later than expected, or a friend saying they can’t attend your birthday dinner. These things would certainly annoy me for a short while.

But when you have main character energy, ordinary inconveniences can feel like disasters. You may react with disproportionate anger, complain endlessly, or expect everyone around you to acknowledge how unfairly you’ve been treated. The underlying belief is often something like, “Things should always work out the way I want them to!”

Sometimes things go wrong because people make mistakes. Sometimes plans fall apart. Sometimes the restaurant really is full, and no amount of indignation or “Do you know who I am?” will convince them to construct another table just for you.

The world is full of inconveniences. The universe isn’t out to get you.

5. You expect people to read your mind.

This is probably one of the most common causes of pointless, avoidable fights.

People shouldn’t have to guess what you want or need. Yes, they may have known you for years, but why not just ask for what you need? If you want comfort, ask for it. If you want help, ask for it. Don’t expect them to know what you need through the process of osmosis.

People with main character energy sometimes expect others to be unusually attentive to their emotional needs. They assume that someone who truly loves or understands them should know exactly what they want without being told. But people aren’t mind readers. They have their own thoughts, worries, responsibilities, and distractions.

Your partner might not notice that you’ve had a bad day. Your friend might not realize you wanted to be included. Your coworker might not recognize that you’re overwhelmed. That doesn’t automatically mean they’re selfish, insensitive, or uncaring. It may mean you need to communicate more.

And yes, I know, actually saying what you need is considerably less romantic than having someone intuitively recognize your emotional state from the way you sigh. However, it’s also considerably more effective.

6. You rarely consider how your behavior affects other people.

When something goes wrong in a relationship, what’s your first thought?

“How could they do this to me?”

“Why are they treating me this way?”

“Why don’t they understand how I feel?”

These are reasonable questions, but if they’re the only questions you ask, you may be missing half the story.

People with main character energy can become so focused on their own feelings that they forget other people have feelings too.

You might remember every hurtful thing someone said to you but overlook the harsh words you used in return. You might feel deeply offended when someone cancels plans but think nothing of canceling when something better comes along. You might expect understanding when you’re stressed but offer very little patience when someone else is struggling.

This doesn’t necessarily mean you lack empathy. However, it may mean you’re not using it as often as you should.

Here’s a useful exercise: During a disagreement, try explaining the situation from the other person’s perspective without making yourself the hero or the victim. What were they feeling? What were they trying to communicate? How might your behavior have affected them?

A little self-awareness can go a long way. The people around you have their own lives to live, and they probably don’t appreciate being treated like background extras in yours.

By the way, if this blog gave you a few things to think about, Queendom’s Emotional Intelligence Test is another way to take a closer look at yourself. It also happens to be the most popular test, just saying.

Insightfully yours,

Queen D