If you pay really close attention to the lyrics of many love songs, you’ll discover something interesting and, frankly, a little disturbing. A lot of them are a reflection of some pretty toxic notions of love. Give songs like Every Breath You Take (The Police), Love the Way You Lie (Rihanna and Eminem), and Fallin’ (Alicia Keys) a listen, and you’ll know what I mean. And don’t get me started on the complicated and often unhealthy romantic stories of Romeo and Juliet, Bella Swan and Edward Cullen, and Jane Eyre and Mr. Rochester.

Fairytale notions of love, while sweet, are pretty rare in real life. If you grew up thinking that this is how relationships really are, you may have been disappointed. It’s not that romantic love doesn’t exist, because it most certainly does. It’s just that the way fairytales portray love is a little too idealistic.

So let’s clear out some of the relationship myths we need to stop believing.

“The right relationship should be easy.”

This myth suggests that when you find the right person, everything will simply click into place. You will understand each other instantly, want the same things at the same time, never misunderstand each other, and glide through life like swans on a silvery lake.

Um, no. Not really.

There is a chance that you’ll meet someone who totally gets you, but that doesn’t mean things will be completely effortless.

You will still need to communicate, compromise, talk after a conflict, handle stress, discuss expectations, and occasionally have very unromantic conversations about money, chores, family, raising kids, schedules, sex, and why the garbage isn’t taken out yet.

The problem with the “it should be easy” myth is that it can make people panic the moment a relationship requires work. They think effort means incompatibility. They interpret conflict as failure. They assume that if this was “true love,” everything would be lovey all the time.

A better belief is this: a good relationship should feel safe, supportive, and worth the effort, but not effortless. Effort is not automatically a sign that something is wrong. Sometimes effort is just what happens when two human beings with different histories, habits, needs, and upbringings try to build a life together. And that’s not always easy.

“If they really loved me, they would just know what I need.”

I recently saw a post from a girl who was upset because her boyfriend ordered takeout and didn’t order any for her—because she declined when he asked. She was upset that he didn’t anticipate that she might be hungry later or want some when she smelled it.

Who in the what now?

The idea that someone who truly loves you should automatically be able to read your mind is a fallacy—and a harmful one at that.

Your partner may love you deeply and still not know what you need unless you tell them. They may not know that you want reassurance, help, affection, space, more spontaneity, or for them to stop offering solutions and just listen when you’re venting.

This does not mean your partner gets to be oblivious forever. Being attentive matters. A good partner will pay attention to your patterns, preferences, boundaries, and feelings. But even a caring partner is not psychic. Expecting them to “just know” will almost always lead to disappointment.

A better belief is this: love does not remove the need for communication. Being clear about your needs is not ruining the romance; it is helping the relationship survive.

(Want to understand your love language and how to get along with a partner whose love language is different? Check out the Love Languages Test.)

“Jealousy proves they care.”

No, jealousy does not prove someone loves you. It may prove they’re insecure. It may prove they’re possessive or have an unhealthy attachment style. But jealousy, by itself, is not proof that someone loves you.

This myth can be dangerous because it romanticizes behavior that may actually be controlling. Your partner checking your phone, monitoring your social media, questioning your every move, guilt-tripping you for going out, or accusing you every time another human looks in your general direction is not being passionate. They are being controlling.

A brief pang of jealousy can be human. People sometimes feel threatened when they’re afraid of losing someone they care for. But healthy love does not use jealousy as an excuse to punish, restrict, interrogate, or control another person.

A better belief is this: trust, respect, and emotional openness are much better signs of love than jealousy. Someone who loves you should not want to keep you under surveillance.

“You should never go to bed angry.”

I’m sure you’ve heard this one before. It sounds wise—unless it’s 1:12 a.m., both of you are exhausted, and your discussion is getting nowhere.

Sometimes going to bed angry is not the worst choice. Sometimes it is the healthiest choice.

Trying to resolve conflict when you are tired, overwhelmed, or emotionally drained can make things worse. You may say things you don’t mean. Your partner may say hurtful things out of anger, emotional pain, or an old wound. You may keep arguing not because you are making progress, but because both of you are determined to win.

Taking a break does not mean avoiding the issue. Avoidance is when you ignore the elephant in the room and hope it just goes away. A healthy pause is different. It means you care about resolving the issue, but recognize that you’re too upset to talk productively at the moment.

A better belief is this: it’s okay to pause a conflict and return to it when both of you are calmer. The key is not solving everything immediately; the key is actually returning to it and resolving it.

“Love should be enough.”

Love matters, but it’s not enough to keep a relationship going. You can love someone and still be incompatible. You can love someone and still have completely different values, life goals, communication styles, financial habits, priorities, or ideas about commitment. You can love someone and still be in a relationship that is draining, one-sided, unstable, or held together mainly by a fear of being alone.

This myth keeps a lot of people stuck in relationships that are not good for them because it leads them to believe that if you love someone hard enough, love should be able to overcome anything. Sadly, this just isn’t true.

Love does not automatically solve untreated addiction, emotional immaturity, dishonesty, lack of accountability, constant conflict, mismatched life goals, or abuse.

A better belief is this: love is important, but a lasting relationship also needs respect, trust, accountability, emotional maturity, shared effort, and compatible life goals.

Relationship myths sound like they should be true. They sound like something everybody would want, or that a few lucky people have. In reality, most of the couples who are happy will tell you that it didn’t happen without at least some hard work. There were arguments. There were mismatched goals, lifestyle habits, or beliefs. There were reality check moments, like when they realized just how messy or gassy their partner really is. And there may even have been moments when they questioned whether they had a future together.

I know this doesn’t sound very romantic. But a more realistic and less idyllic view of relationships actually gives you a better chance of building a relationship you’ll love and value than one built on unhealthy, improbable, and generally untrue notions of love.

Insightfully yours,

Queen D