A wise person once told me to spend a day counting how many times I said harsh things about myself—even in a joking way. The final tally was… disturbingly high. I mean, I knew I was tough on myself, but damn. I’m sweet to other people and absolute poison to myself. Try it for a day—you’ll either be pleasantly surprised or horrified.

Here are the things I want you to say to yourself as often as possible:

“I will not make myself small so others can feel big.”

Why: Too many of us apologize for having needs, for saying “no,” or for daring to speak up. We’re told not to rock the boat, not to cause drama, not to make things worse. But the truth is that sometimes, you have to stir the hornet’s nest if you want things to change. We were raised on “be seen and not heard,” and that conditioning keeps you quiet when you should be loud.

When I started asserting myself, people were shocked. “Why are you being so mean?” they’d ask. My answer? “Because I’m done taking your crap and smiling while I do it.”

The minute you stop being meek and overly flexible, people will accuse you of being mean, cold, or uncaring. That’s not about you—it’s about the fact that they preferred you obedient.

“No is a complete sentence.”

Why: Saying “no” is one of the most powerful ways to stand up for yourself—but it’s also the scariest. People-pleasing feels easier. It avoids conflict, keeps people liking you, and saves you from the awkwardness of asserting yourself. But the cost is brutal. Resentment and even hatred starts to build… and even worse, toward yourself. You lose your sense of identity.

The first few times you say “no,” you’ll probably shake, feel guilty, maybe even give in. That’s normal. But keep at it. Every time you set a boundary, you reclaim a piece of yourself. And don’t be surprised when your newfound strength makes people uncomfortable. A strong “you” can be threatening, because it shines a light on their own weaknesses.

“I’m allowed to change my mind.”

Why: Because you have the right to rethink things when you learn more. That’s called growth. Blindly accepting whatever you’ve been spoon-fed is not just naïve, it’s dangerous. People will guilt you into sticking with outdated beliefs because it makes them comfortable, not because it’s actually good for you.

Changing your mind means you’re paying attention. It means you’re asking: “Does this still make sense for me? Do I even believe this anymore?” Most people won’t do that because it’s easier to stay loyal to an idea than admit it’s garbage. Doing your own research (and no, scrolling Facebook or TikTok doesn’t count) takes guts. It means reading, listening, and weighing evidence.

Changing your mind will upset people. They’ll call you disloyal, weak, and even “lost.” But those are just labels meant to keep you in line. Growth makes people uncomfortable because it forces them to look at their own stagnant thinking. So be prepared: you might lose some people, but you’ll gain something far better: your own voice.

“I can handle this.”

Why: You are much, much stronger than you think. In a study my colleagues and I conducted in 2023, we found that verbal abuse can be nearly as damaging as sexual abuse—and had an even greater long-term impact than physical abuse. And yet, despite everything they had gone through, survivors of all forms of abuse showed a remarkable determination to heal and reclaim their lives. That’s strength in its rawest form. You can read about the study results here.

Self-doubt and fear are loud liars. They bark in your head like a tiny dog pretending to be a big one—obnoxious, but not actually dangerous. Every time you remind yourself, “I can handle this,” and then prove it by pushing through difficult experiences, you rewire your brain. Challenges stop looking like catastrophes and start looking like battles you’re equipped to win.

“My worth is incalculable.”

Why: We’re constantly fed the idea that our worth is tied to how we look, how much money we make, who we’re dating, or how successful we are. And guess who benefits from that? The people trying to sell you something. Think about all those commercials that subtly (or blatantly) imply you’re a loser if you don’t buy their product. Even Dove’s Real Beauty Sketches—which was supposed to be uplifting—got plenty of criticism for still making it all about beauty.

The truth is, you don’t need anyone else’s approval as proof you’re enough. Compliments feel nice, but that high fades fast, leaving you wanting and needing more. That’s why so many people turn to endless plastic surgery: it’s less about aging itself, and more about fear of what other people will think when they see them aging. Twisted, right?

The world is already overflowing with criticism, judgment, and straight-up hate. Why would you cultivate more of it in your own head? Doomscrolling is exhausting enough without turning your brain into Twitter. Kick out that inner troll and start saying the things that build you up. You owe yourself at least that much.

Insightfully yours,

Queen D