I used to have a really, really hard time dealing with pushy salespeople—well, to be totally honest, any salespeople, pushy or not, and anyone else who is domineering, be it friends, partners, or that girl at the gym counter who kept telling me I should keep my gym membership even though I couldn’t afford it (then she gave me that face…that disapproving face).
I still have difficulty asserting myself in some situations, which is why I almost always hand the phone over to someone much more assertive when renegotiating my phone plan, but I have improved—somewhat.
So why is being assertive important? I’m sure I don’t need to tell you why, but I’ll list a few reasons anyway:
#1: It helps you set boundaries—and stand up for yourself when people disrespect those boundaries.
#2: It’s a sign of self-respect when you do not allow others to mistreat you. People won’t want to mess with someone who is confident and knows their value.
#3: It helps you strike the right balance between being too passive and too aggressive. You express yourself with just the right amount of emphasis so the other person gets it.
So now the next question is, what’s the difference between assertiveness and aggression?
Assertiveness is firmly and confidently expressing your needs without impinging on the rights of others. Meaning, getting what you want doesn’t involve steamrolling anyone or throwing a tantrum. For example:
- Assertiveness is saying, “I’d like the last slice of pizza, please.”
- Aggression is saying, “I am taking that slice and there’s nothing you can do about it. Try me.”
- Assertiveness is like knocking on the bathroom door and waiting if it’s occupied.
- Aggression is like banging on it and yelling at the person to, “Hurry up!”
- Assertiveness is telling your coworker who stole your lunch (again), “Hey, I noticed my lunch has gone missing a couple of times. I’d appreciate it if we could all stick to our own food—I rely on that to get through the day.”
- Aggressiveness is telling them, “Are you seriously that desperate that you have to steal someone’s sandwich? It’s not a buffet. Try it again and I will make you regret it.”
Now that we’ve cleared that up, here are the different types of assertiveness techniques you can use on difficult people:
#1: Broken Record
Use this technique when…
- Someone is trying to wear you down and thinks “no” will eventually become “yes” if they keep trying.
- Someone is ignoring your boundaries.
Example:
Them: “Come on, just have one drink—what’s the big deal!”
You: “No thanks, I’m good with soda.”
Them: “It’s just a glass of wine. Live a little!”
You: “I hear you, but I’m not drinking tonight.”
Them: “Are you being that person now?”
You: “Still not drinking tonight.”
Them: “What, are you pregnant or something?”
You: “Nope. Just not drinking tonight.”
#2: Fogging
Use this technique when…
Someone’s criticizing or baiting you, and you don’t want to escalate.
How to apply it:
Agree with a part of what the person is saying to defuse tension.
Example:
Them: “You always have to be so difficult.”
You: “You might be right—I definitely speak up when something feels off.”
#3: “I“ Statements
Use this technique when…
You need to express yourself clearly without starting World War III.
How to use it:
Own your feelings and needs without blaming the other person.
Example:
“I (state what you feel) when (state the issue). I’d like (state what you want).”
“I feel overwhelmed when meetings run late. I’d like to stick to the agenda more closely.”
#4: Sandwich Technique
Use this technique when…
Giving feedback to someone who is really sensitive and/or gets defensive.
How to use it:
Cushion the negative feedback between two positives.
Example:
“You’re great at motivating the team. One thing that could help is clarifying deadlines more. But seriously, your energy is contagious.”
#5: Scripting
Use this technique when…
You’re nervous or tend to freeze in conflict.
How to use it:
Plan what you will say ahead of time.
Example:
(Internal script) “If she asks me to take on another task, I’ll say, ‘I’d love to help, but my plate is full. Which of my current tasks would you like me to put aside?'”
#6: Saying No (and Not Apologizing for It)
Use this technique when…
Someone asks for something you don’t want to give or do.
How to use it:
Just say “no.” There’s no need to feel guilty, over-explain, or sound like you ran over their dog. “No” is a full sentence.
Example:
Them: “Can you cover my shift Saturday?”
You: “No, I can’t.” (Optional add-on, but not necessary: “Hope you find someone!”)
#7: Empathic Assertion
Use this technique when…
You want to be kind but firm.
How to use it:
Acknowledge the other person’s feelings while standing your ground.
Example:
“I get that you’re frustrated. I still can’t give you a refund without a receipt.”
#8: Escalating Assertiveness
Use this technique when…
Someone is being disrespectful or making you uncomfortable.
How to use it:
Start politely, but get firmer if you’re being ignored.
Example:
Level 1: “I’d prefer if you didn’t comment on my appearance at work.”
Level 2: “I asked you not to make comments like that.”
Level 3: “This is the third time I’ve brought this up. If it happens again, I will to talk to HR.”
#9: Listen, Then Set (or Reaffirm) Boundaries
Use this technique when…
Someone’s emotionally charged or defensive.
How to use it:
Reflect back what the other person is saying so they feel heard—then assert your boundary.
Examples:
Them: “Ugh, come on! You never come out with us anymore.”
You: “I know it feels like I’ve been flaking lately—I miss hanging out too. But I really need tonight to rest.”
Or:
Them: “I worked really hard on this—I don’t think it’s fair I got a C.”
You: “I can tell you put in effort, and I appreciate that. The grade reflects how the assignment met the criteria. I’d be happy to go over the feedback with you.”
#10: Silence (Yes, Seriously)
Use this technique when…
Someone’s trying to manipulate, guilt-trip, or provoke you.
How to use it:
Make eye firm contact, hold your ground, and let the awkwardness fall on them, not you.
Example:
Them: “Remember when you cried at your own birthday party? So lame.”
You: *Look at them. Pause. Don’t smile. Then turn to the person next to you and start a conversation.*
Is it possible that you will need to use more than one of these techniques on the same person? Absolutely yes. In fact, it’s not just likely, it’s practically guaranteed, sometimes within the same conversation. Why?
Because people are… people. And some of them:
- Have a hard time accepting no for an answer for a number of reasons, including a sense of entitlement, difficulty handling rejection, or a need to feel in control.
- Will try to guilt-trip, deflect blame, or escalate issues in order to pressure you into backing down, often insisting that things be done strictly on their terms.
- Might test your boundary repeatedly at first to see how firm you are and how easily they can get you to give in. Don’t do it.
Think of assertiveness techniques like tools in a toolbox: You won’t need to use a hammer for every situation, but some people need soft firmness while others need a stronger approach. The more techniques or tools at your disposal, the more powerful you become.
Insightfully yours,
Queen D
