You don’t have to be religious to understand the power of forgiveness. Whether you’re asking for it or offering it, the words “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you” carry weight. They leave an imprint.

When you’ve hurt someone and they choose to forgive you, something shifts inside you. Guilt is heavy—it presses down on your chest, slows your steps, haunts your thoughts. But forgiveness lightens that load. It’s a visceral relief.

And when you forgive someone who’s hurt you, you’re not just releasing them from their guilt—you’re releasing yourself from the anger, the sadness, and the emotional burden you’ve been carrying.

I need to emphasize here that forgiveness doesn’t excuse what someone did to you, but it does free you from letting it define you.

The Mental and Emotional Benefits of Forgiveness

1. It improves mental health.

When you hold onto anger and resentment, it’s like dragging around a giant boulder chained to your neck. Research has shown that holding onto grudges can lead to chronic stress, which in turn increases anxiety. A study published in The Journal of Behavioral Medicine also found that individuals who practiced forgiveness reported better overall mental health and fewer symptoms of depression. So forgiving others—or even yourself—can help alleviate feelings that weigh on your mind.

2. It promotes physical health.

Interestingly, forgiveness can also have physical benefits. Studies have shown that people who forgive are less likely to experience high blood pressure, heart disease, and other stress-related health issues. By letting go of anger and resentment, you allow your body to relax and heal.

3. It improves relationships.

Forgiveness isn’t just about the person who wronged you—it affects all of your relationships. When you carry guilt or resentment, it doesn’t stay neatly contained. It spills over—like snapping at the barista because a stranger cut you off in traffic. Unresolved anger builds walls between you and the people you care about. Forgiveness tears down those walls.

How to Let Go of Past Hurts

Forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight—especially if anger and resentment have become your raison d’être. Sometimes, a grudge gives people a sense of purpose. It fuels them, gives them something to hold onto, something to feel. Over time, that pain can become so tightly woven into their identity that imagining life without it feels impossible. That’s why forgiving someone who’s hurt you isn’t just a decision—it’s a process. It takes time. But healing only begins when you are willing to let it.

Here are some practical steps to help you on your journey:

1. Acknowledge your pain.

Before you can forgive, you need to fully acknowledge the hurt you’ve experienced. It’s okay to feel angry, sad, or betrayed—these are valid emotions. Give yourself permission to feel them without judgment. We often try to suppress, ignore, or fight off unpleasant emotions, but that only makes them stronger and more intrusive. Instead, allow yourself to sit with the pain. Let it move through you. In time, those emotions will begin to lose their grip. All emotions lose their intensity, but only if you allow yourself to experience them fully.

One important note: if your pain is rooted in trauma, don’t go through this process alone. Work with a qualified therapist—especially one trained in EMDR—to help you process your trauma and emotions safely and effectively.

2. Reflect on the situation.

Take some time to reflect on the situation that caused the hurt. Try to understand the other person’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. This doesn’t mean excusing their behavior, but understanding it can help you move toward forgiveness.

3. Express your feelings.

Sometimes, expressing your feelings is the first step toward letting go. Writing a letter to the person who hurt you—even if you never send it—can be incredibly cathartic. Putting your emotions into words helps release some of the pain and makes it feel less heavy.

A retired therapist once told me about a woman he worked with who was healing from abuse by her stepfather. She found a brilliantly creative outlet for her anger and resentment: she ordered custom toilet paper with her stepfather’s face on it. Not only did it help her release her emotions, it also gave her a reason to laugh every time she used the bathroom.

4. Invite an apology, but manage your expectations.

If it feels safe to do so, you can open the door for accountability by calmly expressing how you were affected by what someone did to you. Sometimes, people don’t realize the depth of the harm they’ve caused until it’s laid out clearly. That said, an apology is not guaranteed—and it’s not something you can force. Speak your truth, but don’t make your healing dependent on their response.

5. If they never show remorse, release yourself anyway.

The hardest part of forgiveness is often letting go without getting the apology or closure you hoped for. If the other person refuses to take responsibility, you still have the power to free yourself. Holding onto anger only keeps you trapped. Forgiveness in this case isn’t about them—it’s about choosing peace over bitterness and reclaiming your emotional freedom.

How to Apologize and Make Amends

If you’re on the other side of the equation and you’ve hurt someone—intentionally or not—owning your mistake and trying to make it right can be just as healing for you as it is for them.

Here are some ways to apologize and start making amends:

1. Take full responsibility.

Don’t get defensive, make excuses, or offer half-apologies. “I’m sorry if you were hurt” or “I’m sorry you feel that way” are not apologies. A real apology acknowledges what you did, why it was wrong, and what you’re going to do fix things.

“I’m sorry for what I did. I hurt you, and I take full responsibility. From this point on, I am going to do whatever I can to regain your trust.”

2. Acknolwedge the impact.

Don’t just apologize for your actions—acknowledge the emotional effect they had. Put yourself in the other person’s place and imagine someone treating you the same way you treated them. How would it make you feel? Verbalize every single emotion you would experience. Imagine how it would affect your life and your ability to trust people again. Most importantly, acknowledge all of this in your apology.

“I understand that what I said made you feel disrespected and unseen. You trusted me and I broke that trust. I regret that deeply.”

3. Give them space to respond.

Don’t rush the other person to forgive you. They may need time—and that’s okay. Be patient and respect their pace. Remember, an apology is for their healing, not your relief. And if their response is to withhold forgiveness, accept it. You have the right to ask for forgiveness, but they have every right to say no. Forgiveness is a gift, not a guarantee.

4. Ask what they need.

If it feels appropriate, ask: “Is there anything I can do to make this right?” Sometimes, simply being willing to listen or offer support can help rebuild trust. That being said, be mindful that some people (a small but very real minority) may use your apology as leverage. They might drag out your guilt as a power move to keep you emotionally indebted to them. If you’ve taken responsibility, shown genuine remorse, and made reasonable amends, you’ve done your part. Learn from it, grow, and move forward. Don’t let lingering guilt turn you into a doormat or their victim.

5. Change your behavior.

A beautifully worded, tear-jerking apology might sound impressive—but it’s meaningless if you don’t actually mean it, and don’t change your behavior. The person you hurt may appreciate the words, but what really matters is what you do after the apology. The most powerful act of contrition is action. Show—through your actions, your consistency—that you’ve learned from the experience and are committed to doing better. Otherwise, don’t bother apologizing at all.

Insightfully yours,

Queen D