Being an introvert has made me a professional people-watcher. Crowded places—salons, restaurants, grocery stores on a Saturday afternoon—are like natural habitats for observing human behavior. I like to think of myself as David Attenborough. While others are chatting, I’m taking mental notes of microexpressions, tone shifts, who leans in, who pulls away, and what’s not being said.

What fascinates me the most is the relationships. The relationships that drag on long past their expiry date. The ones that look like their held together by denial. Like my friend who’s still holding out hope for a guy who ghosted her over ten years ago. He’s now married with two kids. Or another friend, sweet as apple pie, who kept falling for women who took advantage of his kindness—and eventually married one. Not out of love, but because the thought of starting over felt too overwhelming. Better the devil you know, right?

So if you’ve been asking yourself why you keep ending up with people who are wrong for you, here’s the short answer:

It’s not them. It’s you.

I don’t mean that in a mean, blame-y kind of way. What I’m saying is that you’ve likely a developed an unhealthy pattern, for a number of reasons, that keeps leading you to choose the wrong people. Why? Let’s look at the possibilities.

Five Reasons Why Your Dating Track Record is Not So Good

Reason #1: The same crap over and over is familiar—and familiar feels safer.

If chaos was your normal growing up, calm might feel boring or suspicious. So when someone kind and stable shows up, it feels odd… like, what skeletons does this person have in their closet? Do they have a third arm? Are they actually calm and sweet do they secretly collect human teeth?

What to do instead: Start noticing what secure love feels like to you: calm, kind, warm, reliable, fun. This needs to become your new normal.

Reason #2: You’re drawn to the heroics of fixing a person, not the person themselves.

We often chase relationships that feel like a second chance to fix something—or someone. Maybe you had a partner who struggled with mental health or addiction issues and you carry guilt, thinking you didn’t do enough to help them. So you find someone similar, hoping this time you’ll “get it right.”

Don’t do it.

I can’t stress this enough: It’s not your job to save anyone.

Repeat that until it sinks in.

You are not a therapist, a financial advisor, a drug rehab counselor, or the hero in someone else’s story. You are you—someone who deserves a happy partnership, not a renovation project. Love should feel like connection, not obligation.

What to do instead: Recognize your patterns. If every relationship leaves you feeling the same way—drained, taken advantage of, unappreciated, unstable—step back and ask: Who really needs saving, you or them?

Reason #3: You want a connection, but you’re scared of being vulnerable. So you choose emotionally stunted partners.

Maybe you really want intimacy, a soulmate, but are scared of what comes with it. Because in order to really be loved, we need to be ourselves—faults and all—and that’s terrifying. So maybe you pursue people who seem great but are emotionally unavailable—because deep down, so are you.

What to do instead: Ask yourself: Am I ready for real intimacy, or am I choosing impossible people so I that I can point a finger at them rather than myself?

The next step would be to find a therapist who can help you work through your insecurities and fears.

Reason #4: You settle for less because you think you don’t deserve better.

Somewhere along the way, you internalized the belief that you weren’t good enough to be loved. Maybe you weren’t always your best self. Maybe you carry guilt, shame, or the feeling that you’re “damaged goods.” Maybe love was something you rarely received—so when someone offers crumbs of affection, you grab them like it’s a feast.

When they cross boundaries, you rationalize it. When they give the bare minimum, you convince yourself it’s enough. Because deep down, part of you believes: This is the best I can hope for.

What to do instead: Your standards will only rise as high as your sense of self-worth allows. You don’t wait until someone treats you better—you start by treating yourself better. That sets the tone for everything.

Notice your inner dialogue. Would you let someone speak to someone you love the way you speak to yourself? If not, it’s time to rewrite that script. Just because you’ve gotten used to being undervalued doesn’t mean you are.

You Choose People Who Have Your Patterns, Not Your Values

You say you want someone kind and respectful, but keep going for charm and chaos.

What to do instead: Write down your non-negotiables. Real ones. Not just “tall and funny.” Think: emotional availability, aligned life goals. Then hold yourself accountable.

So How Do You Break the Pattern?

Recognizing the pattern is the first step. But breaking it? That doesn’t happen overnight. Here’s how to start doing things differently, with intention:

Build a relationship with yourself first. If you don’t know what makes you feel loved, safe, respected, and valued, you’ll keep chasing whatever feels familiar—even if it hurts.

Try this: Make a list of how you want to feel in a relationship (e.g., safe, supported, heard, free to be yourself). Then ask: Am I creating those feelings for myself right now? If not, that’s where to start.

Pause before you pursue. Sometimes, we feel a magnetic pull toward someone new. Sit with it before acting on it. Sometimes that “spark” is just your nervous system reacting to novelty.

Try this: Ask: Do I like this person, or do I like the challenge and excitement? Attraction shouldn’t feel like a mission you’re trying to accomplish.

Have standards and boundaries. Boundaries are reactive (“If you do this, I will leave”). Standards are proactive (“Here’s what I need to feel good in a relationship”). Without both, you’ll end up compromising core needs to keep the peace.

Try this: Define what you want in a relationship—the dealbreakers. And don’t throw them away when loneliness hits.

Heal your wound, not just your symptoms. Reading selof-help books, listening to relationship podcasts—they’re great. But they’re not enough if you never sit with your emotions, ponder your relationship mistakes, or challenge your beliefs about love.

Try this: Start a journal where you tackle questions like:

• “What did love look like growing up?”
• “What do I believe I have to learn in order to be loved?”
• “What makes me think healthy love will be boring?”

And yes—therapy helps, especially if your love choices have been way off.

Stop managing other people’s potential. You are not a rehabilitation center for emotionally unavailable people. Your kindness is a gift, not a reason to stay in one-sided relationships.

Try this: Ask yourself: Would I want my sibling, best friend, or adult child to stay in this relationship? If your answer is no, act accordingly.

Date with clarity, not hope. Hope is beautiful, but it’s not a dating strategy. Instead of crossing your fingers, be intentional.

Try this: Before your next date, write down three things you want to learn about the person that speak to character, not charm. Think: how they handle conflict, how they talk about exes, what they value in a partner.

Expect weirdness—and keep going anyway. Choosing differently might feel weird at first. You might even miss the drama, the chase, the adrenaline. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong—it means you’re detoxing from dysfunction.

Try this: Remind yourself that peace can feel unfamiliar, but it’s not the same as dull. Healthy love won’t keep your nervous system in overdrive.

Insightfully yours,

Queen D