Take a moment to imagine your self-doubt as a person. Maybe it sounds like your mom, that mean teacher from high school, or anyone else who made you feel like you weren’t good enough.

Or maybe your inner critic looks exactly like you. You can almost picture this doppelgänger relaxing on the couch with a cigar in one hand and a martini in the other, smirking as it says, “You should just give up now. You’re going to mess this up like you do with everything else. You’re just a big screw-up.”

Sometimes your inner critic pops in for a visit right before a big presentation, when you’ve reached a huge milestone like being promoted or becoming a parent, or when you want to ask that person you’ve been gazing at for ages on a date.

What causes self-doubt?

#1: You keep comparing yourself to other people.

Have you ever fallen into a social media rabbit hole? You know you have—stalking the social media pages of exes or people from high school, secretly hoping they’ve gained weight or are bitterly divorced, only to discover that everyone’s life looks perfect while yours feels like it’s lagging behind? Stop. Doing. That. Comparing yourself to others is a great way to feel like crap, especially if you think your life doesn’t measure up. Besides, people only post the best versions of themselves online.

#2: You refuse to let go of past screw-ups.

Remember that time you totally messed up a presentation? Or when that blind date just wasn’t into you? Negative experiences like these can plant seeds of doubt, making you second-guess yourself.

When we feel joy, we tend to let it pass more easily—after all, good things don’t last forever, right? But with negative emotions like sadness or anger, we hold on tight, as if clinging to them will somehow protect us. It’s as though we build a shrine to our pain, revisiting it like a sacred relic.

Stop. That memory you keep reliving is in the past. And it only has power over you if you keep giving it attention. Let it go. That moment doesn’t define you—your actions moving forward do.

#3: You’re being a perfectionist.

If you’re always aiming for perfection, even the tiniest mistake can feel like an epic failure. When you’re constantly striving to be flawless, self-doubt is always your shadow, whispering in your ear, “This sucks dude. Can’t you do better?” Remember, there’s a big difference between doing your best and trying to be perfect. One leads to growth, maturity, and awesomeness while the other is just endless disappointment.

#4: You’re afraid of being judged.

Constantly worrying about what people think is like signing up for a self-guided tour of hell with no exit. Newsflash: most people aren’t thinking about you nearly as much as you imagine (if at all). That fear of judgment just makes you second-guess every decision, doubt your own talent, and stomp your confidence into the ground. Time to drop the ghost of your judgmental parent, high school bully, ex, or boss—it’s been haunting you long enough.

#5: You have Impostor Syndrome.

Ever feel like you’re just faking it and everyone’s going to find out? Impostor Syndrome makes even the most successful people doubt their abilities, leaving them wondering when they’ll be “exposed.” Maya Angelou, Luciano Pavarotti, and Leonard Cohen, all great achievers, often struggled with self-doubt and Impostor Syndrome.

What does research say about confidence?

Here’s some good news: confidence isn’t a magical gift that only some people get to have. It’s something you grow, like a plant. Here’s what science has to say:

• The power of “Fake It Till You Make It.“ A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who act confident—even if they don’t feel it—are seen as more competent.

• The role of self-compassion. Research from the University of Texas at Austin shows that being kind to yourself (yes, that means no more beating yourself up over every mistake) leads to higher confidence. Self-compassion breaks the cycle of self-criticism, allowing you to bounce back faster when things don’t go as planned.

• The growth mindset. Dr. Carol Dweck’s work on growth mindset reveals that believing you can improve through effort makes you more likely to take on challenges and keep going, even when things are tough. In other words, it’s not about being perfect, it’s about getting better.

How do you overcome self-doubt?

Now on to the fun part—becoming more confident and telling your inner critic to *bleep* off.

Challenge your negative thoughts like Sherlock Holmes or Harvey Specter from Suits.

When self-doubt starts whispering in your ear, challenge those thoughts like you’re cross-examining a witness.

“Is this really true? What is the evidence?

“Is this based on facts or is it just my own wild imaginings?”

Most of the time, self-doubt is built on irrational beliefs. Instead of thinking, “I’m going to mess up this presentation,” reframe it as, “I’ve prepared well, and I have some pretty awesome insights to share.”

Focus on your strengths.

Feeling like an impostor? Make a list of your strengths and achievements, and keep it handy for those days when your self-doubt is especially loud. Create a “brag file” with positive feedback, awards, and reminders of your accomplishments. On tough days, open it up and remind yourself of all the awesome things you’ve done.

And if that voice of self-doubt says, “Those accomplishments were just flukes,” tell it:

“Flukes don’t happen over and over again, dude.”

Or:

“Funny how these ‘flukes’ keep showing up every time I work hard, eh?”

Take small steps.

Confidence isn’t built overnight—it’s like building a sandcastle, one little scoop at a time. Start by setting small goals that push you out of your comfort zone just a bit. As you achieve these goals, your confidence will grow. For example, if public speaking makes you sweat, start by speaking up in small meetings or making presentations in front of friends. As your confidence grows, work your way up to larger presentations. You don’t have to go from 0 to 100 in a day.

Embrace failure as part of the process.

I have a secret to tell you. Ready?

Everyone fails.

There, now you know. What matters is how you handle failure. Instead of seeing it as a dead-end, see it as a learning experience. The most successful people aren’t the ones who never fail, they’re the ones who learn from their mistakes and keep going.

Practice self-compassion.

Treat yourself the way you’d treat a friend who’s having a tough time. When self-doubt creeps in, remind yourself that everyone faces challenges—it doesn’t mean you’re not capable. Be kind to yourself. For example, instead of saying, “I messed up, I’m terrible at this,” try saying, “I made a mistake, but I’m learning and improving. I’ll get it right next time, or the time after that.”

Surround yourself with positive influences.

You are the company you keep. Surround yourself with people who believe in you and cheer you on. But—and I can’t stress this enough—real support isn’t about stroking your ego or acting like you can do no wrong… that’s your grandma’s job. True friends and mentors will lift you up but also call you out when it matters.

At the same time, steer clear of people who make you feel inferior, fuel your self-doubt, or criticize you out of jealousy or spite. You don’t need that noise.

Instead, find a community—online or offline—that gets you, pushes you, and wants to see you win.

Remember, self-doubt is a normal part of being human, but it doesn’t have to run the show.

Insightfully yours,

Queen D