Whenever I think about examples of manipulative behavior, I’m reminded of the scene in Snow White where the evil queen, disguised as a kind old woman, offers her a poisoned apple. The apple itself has plenty of symbolic meanings, but let’s set that aside and focus on what she says. She calls it a “wishing apple,” promising that Snow White could wish to be reunited with her prince. It’s syrupy sweet… and completely sinister; after all, the witch’s real plan is to kill her. That’s the thing about manipulators: they say things that sound lovely but hide an ulterior motive.
Here are some real-life phrases that seem kind but are actually manipulative:
“I’m only saying this because I care about you” or “I’m just being honest.”
Translation: “I’m about to say something hurtful, and I’m pre-emptively covering my butt when the poop hits the fan.”
This is a manipulation double-whammy: they package criticism as concern with a pretty little bow, then guilt-trip you for getting upset. It’s rarely about your well-being though. It’s about getting you to change in a way that benefits them.
Example: Your partner says, “I’m only saying this because I care about you, but you’ve put on some weight. I just don’t want people to think you’re lazy and letting yourself go.”
The real reason is they’re more concerned about how you look to them (or to others) than about your actual well-being. They want you to change in a way that benefits their preferences, not your health or happiness.
How it could be different: If they had instead said, “I’m worried this could take a toll on your health, and I don’t want you to end up in a bad condition—or worse. I don’t want to lose you,” the concern would be grounded in genuine care. This version focuses on your long-term well-being rather than your appearance, and it frames the message as wanting you to be safe, healthy, and around for years to come.
“I thought you were better than this.”
Translation: “I’m weaponizing disappointment so you’ll act the way I want you to.”
In some cases—like wanting to guide a kid or teen away from troublesome behavior—it can come from genuine concern. But when it’s used to shame you into compliance for their gain, it’s straight-up manipulation.
Example: After lending your friend money that was never paid back—twice—you say no when they ask again (the whole fool me once, fool me twice thing). Instead of owning up or respecting your decision, they slap you with: “Wow. I thought you were better friend than this. I guess I was wrong about you.” Their goal is to make you feel guilty so you’ll change your mind and hand over the cash.
How it could be different: “I’m disappointed, but I understand your reasons.” That way, you’re both validated without the guilt trip.
“You know I’d never hurt you.”
Translation: “Ignore the fact that I just hurt you, and let’s pretend I won’t do it again.” If someone shows you who they are, don’t downplay it. They’re telling you—loud and clear—that hurting you is on the table if it gets them what they want.
Example: Your partner slaps you on the arm or pinches you to get your attention. You’ve asked them to stop because it’s annoying and it hurts. Instead of apologizing, they smile and say, “First of all, it’s the only way to get your attention. Second, it barely hurts. You know I’d never hurt you.” In reality, they’re not going to stop. They’re just going to make you feel guilty and stupid for calling it out.
How it could be different: “I didn’t realize it hurt you that much. I’ll stop.” No guilt trips, no deflection—just respect for your boundaries.
“If you really cared about me, you would…”
Translation: “I am going to prey on your emotions and make you feel bad until you give me what I want.” People frequently don’t realize that guilt-tripping is just manipulation under a different name. It’s doesn’t come from a desire to be loved or even validated—it comes from a need to control.
Example: After you’ve had enough of your mother’s snide remarks and insults towards your partner, you finally set a boundary: Show respect, or we’re going no contact. She gasps, clutches her pearls, and says: “If you cared about me, you would choose me, not some random person who just walked into your life.” For dramatic effect, she adds that she “could die any day now and you’ll regret it.”
Mothers can be pros at this guilt-trip game—but so are abusive partners, who’ll say things like “If you cared about me, you wouldn’t abandon me…” conveniently skipping over the part where they mistreated you in the first place.
How it could be different: Real love doesn’t demand excessive sacrifice. It treats you as an equal.
“I know you better than you know yourself.”
Translation: “I’ve built a version of you in my head, and now I expect you to live up to it.” It’s patronizing, dismissive, and just plain arrogant. Worst of all, it’s designed to make you question your own judgment.
Example: You finally decide to leave a long-term relationship that’s been draining you. Instead of respecting your choice, your ex smirks: “I know you better than you know yourself. You’ll realize you can’t handle being alone, and then you’ll come running back.” Translation: they’re betting on your self-doubt so they can keep you trapped.
Or: You tell your parent you don’t want to go into the family business. Instead of listening, they say: “I know you better than you know yourself. This is who you are, you’ll regret it if you walk away.” Translation: they don’t know you, they just want to keep you in a role that benefits them.
How it could be different: In healthy relationships, the other person doesn’t claim to know your mind better than you do. They ask, they listen, they try to understand. And if they do know you well, they use that insight to support you, not control you. The truth is, the only person who knows you best is you.
Poison wrapped in a candy coating is still poison, just like manipulation said with kind words and a warm, friendly voice is still manipulation. Manipulators count on your guilt and your doubt to keep you vulnerable and submissive. Start listening more closely. If it sounds too good to be true, it is.