Hallmark movies always make me roll my eyes. Honestly, when has love ever been that way? So easy, so cutesy, so blech. Maybe it’s like that at the beginning of a relationship, when you’re both on your best behavior. Or when you’ve been together for a really long time and have learned each other’s quirks—and how to pick your battles. But the in-between? That’s not always Hallmark-y. It’s more Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor-y. The middle part of the relationship is where the real work begins.

Here’s another relationship issue that’s not covered much in Hallmark movies: pulling away. You’re in a happy relationship, you really like this person, and all of a sudden, you start doing “stupid” things. Testing their loyalty. Picking fights. Looking for faults. Even finding a reason to leave. Why? Why do we try to sabotage a relationship we really want? Why do we pull away emotionally and/or physically when all we want to do is get closer?

Here’s why:

Your Brain Knows

Here’s the cold, weirdly comforting science version:

Pulling away isn’t always about lack of interest. A big reason people do it is avoidance—a survival instinct from way back in our history, when humans weren’t good at feelings yet because physical survival mattered more.

In psychology, one of the biggest explanations is attachment styles, which are patterns of relating to others that start in childhood and follow us right into dating.

Attachment Style 101: The Avoidant Pattern

Some of us develop what’s called an “avoidant attachment style.” Basically, a coping mechanism. It’s not that you don’t love your partner, it’s that closeness triggers discomfort. This happens when children are raised with emotionally unavailable, unaffectionate, and cold parents—or parents who made love conditional. As a result, they only showed some form of affection or offered praise when their child did well in school, made a touchdown in a football game, or behaved absolutely perfectly). So what happens to these emotionally abandoned children when they become adults? Well, when someone finally shows them love and affection, they don’t know what to do with it. It’s unfamiliar, uncomfortable, awkward, weird.

What avoidance can look like in dating:

  • Changing the subject or becoming quiet (or agitated) when talks get emotional
  • Suddenly being really busy when plans are made about your future (e.g., overtime at work, making more plans with friends instead of your partner
  • Preferring surface-level flirting and affection, not deep feelings
  • Ghosting someone without closure, even when things were going well

This isn’t just commitment phobia. It’s a combination of:

  • Being more comfortable with independence
  • Difficulty with vulnerability
  • A subconscious fear that closeness means a loss of identity or freedom
  • And a brain wired to protect itself (i.e., closeness requires vulnerability, and vulnerability makes you vulnerable)

What If It’s Not Just Attachment?

There’s a difference between someone avoiding closeness because of fear versus someone who just isn’t into you.

According to relationship psychology, avoidant types often orbit back and forth—close, then distant, then close again—in a pattern. Whereas disinterest tends to be consistently distant from the start.

Moreover, avoidance isn’t only about childhood patterns. Sometimes people pull away because:

  • They’re overwhelmed by the intensity of the relationship—too much, too fast
  • They’re afraid of being hurt
  • Their self-esteem isn’t great and they can’t fathom the possibility of being loved as they are
  • They’re used to being alone or simply prefer it that way
  • They’re not in the right place mentally, emotionally, or personally to be in a relationship

How to Stop Pulling Away Like Cheese Strings

If you find yourself pulling away even when you want to stay, consider these three truths:

#1: You’re not broken. You probably just learned a coping skill that helped you survive. It’s not personal; it’s protective.

#2: It’s doesn’t mean it’s the end. It means your brain needs regulation, not panic.

#3: It’s not a matter of trying harder. It’s a matter of understanding why you freak out around closeness, and then retraining those old patterns.

These are all issues that a few sessions with a therapist can help you resolve. Remember, therapy isn’t just for people struggling with mental health issues. If you’re unhappy, stressed, unmotivated, or just going through the motions, therapy can help you break free.

Pulling away doesn’t mean you’re heartless. It doesn’t mean you’re incapable of love. And it definitely doesn’t mean you’re doomed to sabotage every decent relationship that crosses your path. Sometimes it just means your nervous system is trying to over-power your desires.

You can want closeness and fear it at the same time. You can love someone and still flinch when it gets real. That’s how you’re currently wired, and the good news is that wiring can be, well, rewired.

Awareness is the first step. Notice when you start picking fights, creating distance, or convincing yourself your partner is “not that great anyway.” Ask yourself, “What is motivating this? Am I really not interested, or am I looking for an escape because I’m scared?”

The middle of a relationship—the non-Hallmark, Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor-y part—is messy because it asks you to show up without armor. Just you, in all your perfect and imperfect glory. And that’s scary.

But if you can stay, even when your instinct says run, that’s where real intimacy starts. Not the cutesy montage of you walking in the park hand-in-hand. The quiet, steady decision to not let fear make your choices for you.

Insightfully yours,

Queen D