Saturday afternoon, I watched my hairdresser as she flitted around getting my “recipe” ready. She seemed different: Her step was lighter, her head a little higher, her smile less strained.

“The energy here is different,” I noted. “You like it here.” I swept my eyes across the room. There was a Christmas tree in the corner, a table with free snacks and coffee, oodles of magazines, and a little dog sleeping. Honestly, it looked like a picture on a Hallmark card. The whole place oozed “cozy.”

She nodded and smiled a little sadly. “I had a breakdown. And that was that.”

Let’s rewind:

My hairdresser works at a salon downtown during the week, but for clients who can’t make the trek, she offers appointments in her home on Saturdays. When she moved to a new house and didn’t want to take clients at home anymore, she scrambled to find a nearby salon where she could rent a chair. She could have easily told people to simply meet her downtown if they wanted their hair done, but being the kindhearted person she is, she went out of her way to make her weekend clients happy.

She wasn’t prepared for the nightmare that ensued. The salon owner was a micromanager who monitored her every move and unreservedly criticized her in front of clients. This same manager yelled at customers who broke her constantly vacillating rules, like not hanging their coat up or sitting in a non-designated seat (I chose to stand up rather than sit and got some rather nasty stink eye from her). After a month of harassing behavior, my hairdresser had an emotional breakdown. Three weeks ago, she gathered her belongings and looked for a new place. She has now settled in at a new salon with a bubbly and vibrant owner who promised to “do my cards” next time I came around.

Aside from being so damn nice, I should probably point out that my hairdresser has a really hard time saying “no” to people. She’s often had to forgo dinner and a night out for people who beg her to “squeeze me in!” or who casually stroll in for their appointment an hour late. I mean, I can understand being five minutes late, even 20. But an hour?! I’d sit there, fuming, absolutely shocked at the person’s sense of self-importance and absolute lack of respect, and my hairdresser would bite her tongue and allow the person to keep their appointment.

“You could have said no,” I’d tell her, reading the frustration all over her face.

“I know. I just don’t know how,” she’d always reply.

I felt compelled to offer this little piece of advice after witnessing the hell that my hairdresser went through. I am by no means advocating willful cruelty toward others; I am, however, proposing the need to be more assertive and straightforward with people who demand a lot but give little in return. When you continuously find yourself bending over backwards for others, it’s time to turn some of that kindness toward yourself. Here’s why:

Looking at data from Queendom’s Assertiveness Test, I analyzed the results of people who are unassertive and who make many personal sacrifices in order to accommodate others. Here’s what the data revealed about this super nice but super submissive group:

• Only 18% of them speak openly about their feelings.

• 59% have been told by friends, family, etc., that they need to be more assertive; 87% recognize that they are not as assertive as other people.

• 63% are actually so humble, they find it difficult to accept compliments.

• 70% feel that others take advantage of them.

• 76% have rock-bottom self-confidence.

• 91% hate conflict and will avoid arguments if they can. And yet, 92% will torture themselves by replaying arguments in their head, wishing they had the courage to express what they really wanted to say.

When you’re always the one giving in to others they will begin to expect it. They may even become dependent on you and expect you to always be there in times of need. Sometimes, you have to put your foot down for their own good. I’m emphasizing the importance of standing up for yourself and making sure that your needs are being met as well. You can still be nice while being firm.When you constantly give in to others, they’ll start expecting it—and may even grow dependent on you, assuming you’ll always meet their needs. That’s why it’s essential to put your foot down sometimes, not just for your own well-being, but for theirs too. Standing up for yourself and ensuring your needs are met doesn’t mean you have to stop being nice; it’s about finding the balance between kindness and firmness. You can be compassionate while setting boundaries. Here’s how to do that:

• Remember, you don’t have to justify why you are saying “no,” but if you feel compelled to do so, explain your reason in simple terms. “Sorry, I can’t squeeze you in today. It’s going to push back everyone else’s appointment and it’s not fair to my other customers. I’d be happy to give you an appointment for another day.”

• Don’t feel like you need to apologize. Remind yourself that the decision to do something for this person (or not) is entirely yours.

• Use body language to underline the “no.” Make your voice is firm and direct. Look into the person’s eyes as you refuse. Shake your head “no” as you say it.

• If you need to say “no” to someone you’d normally help under different circumstances, an empathetic response can soften the rejection. For example: “I completely understand your situation, but right now, I don’t have the time to help in a way that would be fair to either of us.” If they get upset or start guilt-tripping you about “all the times I was there for you,” then take it as a sign that this person does not respect you or your time.

Insightfully yours,

Queen D