I never really joke about therapy. I think it can be extremely useful, especially since some doctors are a little trigger happy when it comes to doling out prescriptions. I don’t oppose drug therapy. If a person is suffering from a debilitating disorder, medication is often required to help the person achieve a degree of psychological balance. But it should be used in conjunction with other therapeutic approaches, in my opinion.

Still, it’s good to poke a little fun at psychology sometimes. When people humorously (albeit incorrectly) summarize Freud’s theories as being all about “mother complexes and phallus symbols,” I can’t help but chuckle. So with that in mind:

Signs you need a new therapist

(Note: For the sake of simplicity, I will be using male pronouns when referring to the therapist).

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  • After spending the last hour pouring your heart out and looking for validation from your therapist, he responds with, “Dude, that sucks! Okay, it’s my turn now.”
  • At every session, your therapist lies down on the couch while you sit in the chair.
  • He interrupts you every ten minutes with, “Hold that thought. We’ll be back after this commercial break.”
  • Upon closer inspection, the degree your therapist has hanging on the wall is printed on McDonald’s napkins and authorized by the Hamburglar.
  • The notes in his notebook are actually caricatures of you riding a giraffe.
  • After a particularly embarrassing revelation, he snickers and whispers, “Can’t wait to tell the other psychologists this doozy!”
  • His conclusion after analyzing your dreams and listening to your worries is always, “It’s because you hate your mother.”
  • He responds to all your admissions with Twitter lingo. #sad #lifesucks
  • He has the same phobia you do, so he always has to be one treatment step ahead of you.
  • The other “professionals” he wants to consult with about your issue are the empty chair next to him and a puppet…and he often gets into violent disagreements with the puppet.
  • His idea of reverse psychology is turning is chair around and not looking at you.
  • He says, “Well, that’s all the time we have for today” three minutes into the session.
  • He says, “And how does that make you feet?”
  • For some reason, he keeps referring to your subconscious as “Larry.”
  • After describing the difficulties you’ve been facing, he responds with, “Whoa. You are seriously messed up.”
  • He frequently mixes up your issues with his. Like after tearfully admitting that your parents never made you feel loved or offered you praise, he assured you that there is a great deal you should be proud of: “You’ve got a good education, a thriving practice, and you’re a great therapist. So take THAT mother!”

He asks strange open-ended questions to get you to express your feelings. “If you were a tree, what type of cheese would you eat?” “What do you think I’m thinking about what you think?” “Mittens the cat has to catch a connecting train to Piccadilly. The train is traveling at 100mph per hour. Why do you think your partner cheated on you?”

After the tenth “I see, go on” in a row, you turn around and discover that the therapist has been replaced with a dipping bird repeatedly pressing the Play button on a tape recorder.

Insightfully yours,

Queen D