Several years ago, I received an email from someone who had taken Queendom’s Emotional Intelligence Test. He wasn’t very happy with his low score and expressed his discontent by cursing us out and calling us names that I will not reiterate in detail here, as this is generally a PG blog. However, it was something along the lines of, “How could I score low on your test? You know nothing about me, you bleepity bleep.”

As I read through the email and felt the unrestrained hostility leap off the page, all I could think was, “Aren’t you just giving more reasons for that low score?” And that’s the thing: Emotional intelligence isn’t just about knowing how to deal with your emotions or other people’s emotions. It ties into many different aspects of our attitude, behavior, and life. In the case of this person, his difficulty dealing with his emotions—along with his inability to recognize his strengths and accept his limitations—are reflections of the fact that his EQ needs improvement. And I am not speaking from my high horse here either. I am aware that there are many aspects of my own emotional intelligence that need improvement, including my inability to deal with conflict, to cope with hardship and stress, and to assert myself.

“Anybody can become angry—that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way—that is not within everybody’s power, and is not easy.”

Aristotle

So while there are obvious signs of underdeveloped emotional IQ—discomfort with emotions, inability to empathize with others, awkwardness in social situations—there are other less evident “symptoms” too. Here are some of them:.

People who score below average in emotional intelligence are more likely to:

  • Struggle to bounce back from rejection, failure, and hardship.
  • Expect the worst from situations and/or people.
  • Insult themselves or verbally beat themselves up when they make mistakes.
  • Feel an overwhelming sense of helplessness and ineptness.
  • Be ashamed of how they look or behave.
  • Hate change.
  • Be pessimistic or avoid getting their hopes up.
  • Have compulsive habits that they struggle to break.
  • Quit a goal if it doesn’t come easily to them.
  • Find it difficult to accept compliments.
  • Feel like they don’t deserve success.

The data I analyzed also revealed that people who score low on emotional intelligence are less likely to take the time to consider the consequences of their words and actions. For example, some of the low scorers felt that there was nothing wrong with:

  • Telling a depressed person to “toughen up.”
  • Arguing in public.
  • Telling a homeless person to get a job.
  • Offering overweight strangers tips on how to lose weight.

They were also more likely to have difficulty picking their battles and often reacted with unrestrained hostility to even the smallest annoyances, including:

  • Being stuck in a cab during rush hour.
  • Dealing with bad weather.
  • Seeing someone in the “8 items or less line” with more than 8 items.

“Our emotions need to be as educated as our intellect. It is important to know how to feel, how to respond, and how to let life in so that it can touch you.”

Jim Rohn

I am a firm believer that all forms of intelligence can be improved with dedication and practice. Here are some EQ tips:

  • Emotions and logic are not enemies. Many people think emotions have no role in decision-making, but the truth is, your emotions (or intuition, gut instinct, etc.) and logic both offer valuable insights. In reality, emotions and logic are two sides of the same coin: emotions deliver a message, while logic helps us interpret that message. What’s more, your emotions can provide information that your logical mind might miss. After all, how many times have you had a gut feeling that something was off, only to find out later you were right?
  • Don’t fall into the trap of the “Fundamental Attribution Error.” We’re constantly trying to understand why others act the way they do. All too often, we blame bad behavior on someone’s personality rather than considering the external factors at play. For example, we might label someone a jerk for snapping at us, without thinking that they could be dealing with stress, illness, a recent firing, or bad news. As a result, we’re often less forgiving than a situation actually warrants. Remember, others are facing their own pressures and struggles, and their behavior may not always reflect who they truly are.
  • Pick your battles wisely. Don’t allow yourself to get upset over minor annoyances or situations that you can’t change—it’s a waste of time and emotional energy. If you’re not sure whether to bring up a specific grievance, ask yourself the following questions: “Will this issue matter to me next week, next month, or next year? Is this situation negatively impacting my happiness or my daily functioning to a significant degree?” If your answer is “yes” to both questions, then bring up the problem with the relevant party. If not, accept the situation and let it go by reminding yourself that in the grand scheme of things, this issue really doesn’t matter.
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Insightfully yours,

Queen D