In a champagne induced epiphany, my friend decided that it was time for her to join a dating website. I listened in as she filled out the customary personality questionnaire, mostly because she insisted on reading each question out loud. Having been one of the authors of Queendom’s “Matchscale” questionnaire (currently being used on some dating sites in different languages), I entertained myself by trying to map out each question in my head to determine what it was trying to assess.

“‘I lose my temper,'” she pronounced out loud. “Hmmm. Sometimes. ‘I get to appointments on time’,” she continued.

“Let me answer that for you,” I said. “Never.”

She laughed. “Fine!”

“Next question. ‘In some cases, jealousy is okay.” She pondered for a moment and then said, “True.”

I looked up. “Really? In what sense?”

“Well let’s say you’re out with a guy and he meets his ex and starts flirting with her. Jealousy would be justified in this case, don’t you think?” she asked.

I shook my head. “Jealousy is never justifiable. If a guy does that to you, it’s a sign you should dump him. That’s not a decision based on jealousy, that’s self-respect. You deserve better than that.”

“You don’t find jealousy a little sweet though?” she asked.

“Not at all. Think about it: Jealousy is never an ‘out there’ factor, caused by someone else. It comes from within—and 99.9% of the time it’s related to self-esteem and security issues.”

The truth is, when our self-esteem is out of whack, it leads us to think things that usually have no basis in reality, like “If I am my true self, no one will like me” or “People find me boring to talk to.” The other downside of low self-esteem? It could also color your view of other people, as is the case with jealousy. Here’s what statistics from Queendom’s jealousy tests revealed:

  • 51% of jealous women and 61% of jealous men believe that it is not possible for a man and woman to be just friends.
  • 62% of jealous women believe that it’s not possible for a man to resist the temptation to cheat; 45% of jealous men believe that it’s impossible for a woman to resist the temptation to cheat.
  • 35% of jealous women and 36% of jealous men don’t think they are good enough for their partner.
  • 59% of jealous women and 52% of jealous men believe that given the chance, their partner would leave them for someone “better.”
  • 40% of jealous women and 29% of jealous men are not willing to trust their partner.
  • A whopping 71% of jealous women and 68% of jealous men would have their partner followed if they suspected infidelity.
  • When we asked both men and women how they’d react if their partner received a call from someone of the opposite sex (or same-sex in the case of gay/lesbian couples), 48% of jealous women and 64% of jealous men said they would demand their partner explain exactly what the conversation was about.
  • When we asked how they would react if they came across an open email their partner was writing, 96% of jealous women and 100% of jealous men admitted they would read it.
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Given that the source of jealous often comes from within, here are some tips to address that:

  • Separate jealousy from love. Many people falsely believe that strong feelings of jealousy or possessiveness indicate a deep and passionate love for a partner. Unfortunately, the truth is that jealousy only reflects an intense need and desperation to keep what you want; it reflects self-interest rather than mutual love. You can love someone very strongly and not feel intense jealousy.
  • Healing from past wounds is crucial. Jealousy often stems from lingering pain caused by rejection, abandonment, or betrayal in previous relationships. Many of us carry this emotional baggage, and jealousy becomes a defense mechanism to guard against experiencing that hurt again. To build a healthy relationship in the present, addressing these past scars is essential. While the journey of healing is ultimately one you must take on your own, deciding to confront it is a powerful first step toward emotional freedom.
  • Don’t make your partner the center of your world. I usually just breeze through Facebook posts from family members, but one from my cousin caught my attention. She’s dating her first boyfriend and wrote this, “(Name) is my life!” Having said much the same myself with my first boyfriend, it concerned me. What also concerns me are these random quotes I see on social media promoting unhealthy beliefs like “Jealousy shows that he loves you” or, according to this quote “Jealous means: Just because I love you so much.” Jealous love is not healthy love. As Kahlil Gibran writes in The Prophet, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.”
  • Don’t compare yourself to others. You may look at your partner’s ex and think they possess some quality or advantage that you don’t, but the fact is their ex may be thinking the very same thing about you! They may be, according to your standards, more intelligent than you, but you may have street smarts (which I can honestly say I value much more than IQ). And when it comes to attractiveness, it’s very much in the eye of the beholder. Not everyone wants a size 2 runway model or a guy with six-pack abs. Remember, everyone has something special about them.
  • Associate with people who affirm who you are. Do you have toxic relationships with people who criticize you or make you miserable? Take a look at the people you surround yourself with and how they affect your self-esteem—it might be time to burn some bridges. That being said, keep in mind that there is only one person who has power over how you think and feel about yourself—and that person is you. Take your power back.

Insightfully yours,

Queen D