Manipulators and narcissists are like octopi—always reaching out with their tentacles to wrap around you, but instead of suction cups, they use guilt, lies, and flattery to hold on. Just when you think you’ve escaped, they squirt a cloud of confusion and slip back into your life. And, much like an octopus, they’re masters of camouflage, blending into any situation to seem harmless—until they’ve got you wrapped up again!
So how do you deal with these slippery, slimy people? Here’s how to recognize when someone’s behavior is manipulative:
They always manage to find a way to justify their bad behavior or their mistreatment of you. Or they shift the blame onto you.
“I was stressed.”
“I had a bad day at work.”
“If you hadn’t annoyed me, I wouldn’t have reacted this way.”
“Why are you always on my case? Do you know how busy I am/how much weight is on my shoulders?”
After a friend of mine got dumped without cause, he called up his ex the next day for an explanation. She sidestepped the issue with, “How could you put me in this position right now? Do you know my parents are on vacation on an island that might be hit with a hurricane? God, you’re so selfish.”
They tug at your heartstrings or try to charm you.
It’s the plot of many online con jobs: The schemer preys on a person’s good nature, like the poor woman on Dr. Phil who thought she had met her true love online. Taking advantage of her feelings for him—by constantly proclaiming his undying love—he manipulated her into sending him hundreds of thousands of dollars because he was supposedly stuck in a foreign country after his passport was stolen.
They guilt-trip, shame you, or play the victim.
God forbid you can’t do a favor for a manipulator, because they’ll bring up all the occasions when they were there for you, including that time in elementary school when they shared their lunch with you. Certain family members who shall remain nameless often use this tactic on me, and I always end up hating myself for giving in. It’s a dirty, low-down tactic in which you’re painted as ungrateful, selfish and self-absorbed.
Some manipulators will opt for the passive aggressive route by giving you the cold shoulder until you finally feel bad enough to give in. Others will minimize your problems in order to turn the focus back toward them. “You think that’s bad? I could tell you horror stories about my childhood/parents/boss/job/significant other etc. Trust me, you have it easy.”
They make it seem like you’re the one with the problem.
After having dealt with months of a colleague’s negative and hostile behavior toward me, I finally had enough and got angry. His response? “You’re too sensitive! Why can’t you take a joke?” And yet, despite the fact that I wasn’t the only one he had treated poorly, his statement made me second-guess myself. I had been a victim for so long that I actually thought he was right: that the problem lay with me.
They intimidate you into submission.
Whether through threats or aggression, some manipulators will resort to all-out intimidation tactics to coerce you into giving in. They may threaten physical harm or resort to blackmail. Others will withhold things from you, like the overly competitive colleague who conveniently “forgets” to share intel with you or the partner who withholds sex. Their goal is to gain leverage over you in order to get what they want.
They lie or feign ignorance.
Manipulators will often conveniently forget things you tell them or twist your words around when it suits their needs. For example, every time I made plans with a certain friend, she would supposedly forget and make plans with someone else. I can understand forgetting once, twice, or maybe three times, but this would happy nearly every weekend until finally, I just stopped making plans with her and starting hanging out with someone else. The result: She called me up to tell me off for excluding her from my plans.
“I guess your life is much too exciting and busy to include me!” she yelled.
In her mind, that was the only possible explanation for my actions. Should I have voiced my frustration? I could have. But knowing who she was and recognizing the pattern in her behavior, I knew she would just opt for another manipulation tactic.
“There is nothing so dangerous for manipulators as people who choose to think for themselves.”
Meg Greenfield
Insightfully yours,
Queen D
