Under stressful circumstances, I lose my appetite. I’ve admitted more than once that I’m an emotional eater (I heart you, french fries), but emotional eating isn’t limited to those times when you’re feeling depressed, anxious, and utterly unlovable. I eat when I’m bored and when there’s a psychologically empty space in my soul that needs filling—and that’s conveniently the same size as a cupcake.

(Side note: Did you know there are cupcake ATMs? I swear, look it up.)

Look at any website that offers tips on how to reduce stress, and you’ll get a ton of ideas that include stuff like “meditate,” “don’t drink coffee,” “talk it out with a good friend,” and “get a good night’s rest.” They’re not bad ideas; they just don’t work for everyone. I don’t have the patience to meditate or the patience to be patient enough to meditate. I don’t drink coffee, getting a good night’s rest doesn’t make all that much of a difference, and I certainly don’t like baring my soul. So what does that leave me with? Data. Cold, hard data.

I am a firm believer that in order to be the best, you have to learn from the best. When I wanted to know why my car was making a *click click click* sound, I went to my mechanic—although by the time I got there, the car wasn’t making the sound anymore, and my mechanic just looked at me like I was crazy. Similarly, when I wanted to know which of the myriad of coping strategies available works best, I went to the data collected from Queendom’s Coping & Stress Management Skills Test. I looked at people who report having, well, pretty awesome lives. Specifically, people who:

• Are satisfied with their jobs.
• Are satisfied with their lives.
• And who find themselves in conflict situations less often than others.

Who are these strange, non-human “super people” and what is their superpower? The answer is good coping skills. Here are the top three methods they use to deal with stress:

The Problem-Solving Approach

There are some occasions when not taking action to solve a problem is the best—like when you don’t have enough information at your disposal to resolve it. And sometimes, when you leave things well enough alone, they work themselves out. I love those types of problems: The ones where everything in the universe seems to align and everything works out the way you want it to. But the universe isn’t lazy, nor is it stupid. Most problems require some degree of action and that’s what super people do—they don’t stick their heads in the sand.

When faced with a problem, super people don’t sit idly by; they actively looking for ways to find a solution to resolve the situation, get the rid of the source of the stress, or at least improve the circumstances surrounding it. Essentially, they approach life’s problems like they would any other problem: Do some research, outline a few strategies, determine the pros and cons of each option, and then choose the best one. If that strategy doesn’t work, they try another. The bottom line: They act rather than react.

The Positive Cognitive Restructuring Approach

The title doesn’t exactly role off the tongue, but this is a power-packed strategy.

The basic premise of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is that our thoughts have a significant impact on how we feel and behave. It is believed that many psychological issues, like depression, are the result of how we interpret our experiences. A good CBT therapist will help clients modify unhealthy thoughts and behaviors and replace them with more positive ones.

Positive Cognitive Restructuring involves modifying the way you think about a problem or a stressful situation. Don’t confuse this with denial. Cognitive restructuring or “reframing” is an active process in which you consciously change your thoughts and beliefs about an issue. When you look at a problem from a more positive angle—from the perspective that anything is possible, that you have the ability to improve your life, that you deserve better—you’re more likely to come up with effective solutions.

Here are some examples of cognitive restructuring:

“I feel like a failure, therefore I am a failure.” => “I do make mistakes sometimes. I’ve also failed quit a few times. But it’s only though failure that I can learn the best lessons, like a toddler learning how to walk.”

“My partner/mother/boss makes me feel bad about myself.” => “I am in charge of my emotions, which means I control my emotions. I can choose to respond to this person’s behavior with anger or sadness, or I can choose not to feel that way.”

The Negotiation Approach

I totally understand why brides turn into “bridezillas.” They have a very specific idea of how they want their wedding to be, right down to the color of the frosting on their cake and the swan-shaped napkins. The problem isn’t that they’re short-tempered, spoiled, or too idealistic—it’s their unwillingness to be flexible. So when even the smallest thing goes wrong (“I said I wanted fuchsia for the bridesmaids, NOT HOT PINK!!!”) they explode.

Super people understand that when a problem arises, it’s essential to remain flexible and to compromise. They do their best to adapt to the constraints of the situation and adjust their goals if necessary. In your case, that could mean cutting down on your to-do list when you’re feeling frazzled and need some time off. It could mean finding a compromise with the ongoing curfew battle you’re having with your teenager. It could also mean extending your weight loss deadline to account for that week you were sick and couldn’t exercise, rather than forcing yourself to eat less to compensate.

If there are any coping skills you’d like to develop, I’d strongly suggest trying these three. Naturally, they should be used in conjunction with cupcakes.

Insightfully yours,

Queen D