There are people who have genuinely been hurt, mistreated, betrayed, or neglected. But there’s a difference between someone who has been hurt and someone who uses being hurt as a way to avoid accountability.

So how do you deal with someone who always makes themselves the victim? Here are some tips:

1. Look for the pattern, not one bad moment.

Sometimes, life piles crap on your shoulders. People disappoint you, you’re treated unfairly, and what can go wrong does go wrong. During those times, you might find yourself needing a few days of sitting in front of a rain-covered window like a Victorian widow. Because why not?

Someone who plays the victim, though, regularly tells stories where nothing was their fault. They’re always the one being mistreated. Other people are always unreasonable, cruel, jealous, or selfish. And you begin to notice a pattern.

“Everyone always leaves me.”

“People are just jealous of me.”

“No one ever understands me.”

The wording can vary, but the effect is usually the same: the focus shifts away from their behavior and their role in the problem, and onto everyone else.

2. Don’t get pulled into endless defending.

When someone always casts themselves as the victim, you might be desperate to prove you’re not the villain. So you explain. Then you explain again. Then you explain what you meant by your explanation. Unfortunately, this often doesn’t help.

To someone who is committed to feeling wronged, your explanations may simply become more material for the argument that they’re the victim. They may twist your words, question your motives, or focus on one word in your sentence instead of the actual issue.

But—you don’t need to defend yourself forever. At some point, you can say:

“I’ve explained what I meant. I’m not going to keep arguing about my intentions.”

“I’m willing to talk about what happened, but not if I have to keep defending myself from accusations.”

“I hear that you’re upset, but I don’t agree with how you’re describing what happened.”

It sounds cold, but it’s not. It’s refusing to spend hours trying to prove you’re not secretly evil.

(Check out my post, “How to Set and Protect Healthy Boundaries.”)

3. Keep the focus on the actual behavior.

A person who plays the victim may try to move the conversation away from what they did and toward how hurt they feel that you brought it up.

• You say, “It bothered me that you made that comment in front of everyone.”
• They say, “Wow. I guess I can’t say anything right.”

• You say, “I need you to stop texting me repeatedly when I don’t answer right away.”
• They say, “So now I’m annoying? Good to know.”

• You say, “It bothers me when you cancel at the last minute.”
• They say, “I’m sorry I’m such a terrible friend.”

And suddenly, the conversation is no longer about the behavior. It’s about reassuring them, soothing them, and proving you don’t think they’re a monster.

Don’t get caught in the detour. Bring it back to the behavior:

• “I’m not saying you’re a terrible friend. I’m saying I need more notice when plans change.”
• “I’m not attacking you. I’m telling you what didn’t work for me.”
• “This isn’t about whether you’re a bad person. It’s about what happened and what needs to change.”

4. Watch out for guilt trips.

People who play the victim often use guilt to regain control of the conversation. Sometimes it’s obvious:

“After everything I’ve done for you?”

“You’re abandoning me like everyone else.”

“I knew I couldn’t trust you.”

Other times, it’s subtle, like coldness, one-word answers, sad sighs, or cryptic posts.

The goal may not always be deliberate manipulation. Some people genuinely don’t know how else to deal with shame, disappointment, or conflict. But whether it’s intentional or not, guilt trips can still pressure you into backing down.

The best response is calm repetition:

“I care about you, but my answer is still no.”

“I’m sorry this is painful, but I’m not changing my boundary.”

“I’m willing to talk when we can both stay respectful.”

You don’t need to punish them. You also don’t need to give in just because they’re upset.

5. Don’t confuse their pain with your responsibility.

This is probably the hardest part. Someone may genuinely be hurting. They may feel rejected, misunderstood, scared, abandoned, or ashamed. Their pain may be real. But real pain does not automatically make you responsible for fixing it.

You can be kind and listen. You can offer support within reason. However, you can’t become someone’s emotional life raft every time they feel uncomfortable. You’re a friend, a partner, a family member. You’re not their therapist.

You can care about someone without shouldering the burden of their problems. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do—for yourself and for them—is to stop playing rescuer and point them towards the kind of help they actually need. You can care about someone without becoming their crisis manager.

6. Know when distance is the only healthy option.

I had a friend who was going through a difficult divorce and custody battle. She’d call at all hours, vent, and ask for advice. I’d give her some suggestions. She’d thank me and tell me she felt so much better. And then she’d ignore my advice. So a few days later, I’d be having the same conversation with her. This went on for months, until at one point, I just stopped answering her calls. I realized that I was being her crutch. And it wasn’t helping her.

I didn’t do it because I wanted to be cruel or because I didn’t care. I did it because I was enabling her pattern.

Creating distance with someone who plays the victim might mean shorter conversations or firmer boundaries. Or, in some cases, ending the relationship altogether.

You can’t stay in a dynamic that drains you.

(6 Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore in Friendships)

Dealing with someone who always plays the victim can make you question yourself. You may start wondering whether you’re too harsh, too cold, too selfish, or a bad person.

So here’s my reminder: compassion does not require you to accept blame, emotional baggage, problems, or responsibilities that aren’t yours.

Even when we are hurt, we still need to be accountable for our actions and choices.

Insightfully yours,

Queen D