Self-esteem is like a turtle’s shell, a knight’s armor, or, for superhero fans like me, Tony Stark’s Iron Man suit. Why? Because it protects you. Criticism, rejection, and failure will barely dent your solid self-esteem armor. It’s also the one thing that every parent should nurture in their children. By all means, teach them the importance of sharing, being vigilant around strangers, and not picking their nose. But a strong self-esteem will dictate the direction of your child’s life, including the type of friends they hang out with, how well they do in school, their career path, and their ability to deal with life’s ups and downs.

As someone who didn’t grow up with a whole lot of self-esteem, I can tell you with absolute certaintly that the repercussions are considerable. Not surprisingly, individuals who are depressed are more likely to suffer from poor self-image, a lack of self-respect, and a lack of belief in themselves. They perceive themselves as having very little value, with very little to offer to the world.

“It’s not what you are that is holding you back. It’s what you think you are not.”

Author Unknown

Coping Skills

  • Score for depressed group: 58
  • Score for non-depressed group: 72

I’ll be the first one to admit that I am NOT good under stress. It’s only my sense of dignity that prevents me from curling up into a ball on the floor. Here’s my coping strategy:

  • Step 1: Panic.
  • Step 2: Panic.
  • Step 3: Panic.
  • Step 4: Obsessively think about what’s bothering me.
  • Step 5: Do some research on the problem in order to find a solution.
  • Step 6: Eat fries.
  • Step 7: Feel anxious and depressed until it’s over.

The fact of the matter is simple: When you’re stressed, you apply your own brand of coping strategies, be it talking to a professional, getting support from loved ones, exercising, or binge eating. Naturally, there are healthy ways to cope with stress and maladaptive ways. The healthier your coping mechanisms, the more likely you are to thrive in stressful conditions. The unhealthier your strategies, the more likely you are to exacerbate the situation, which can eventually lead to burnout and/or depression. This is why it’s so important to learn healthy coping techniques, because life isn’t going to be a perfectly paved road; it’ll be bumpy, messy, and slippery.

Adaptability

  • Score for depressed group: 48
  • Score for non-depressed group: 60

Like a cat, I’m a creature of habit—obsessively, compulsively so. I have the same morning routine; I clean my home in the exact same order, and, let’s face it, think the same thoughts every day. If you shake up my routine (like calling me to go out for breakfast and then going shopping), I won’t like you very much. I’ll mentally run through my schedule to see if I can accommodate your renegade idea, panic as I try to figure out how to fix up the routine that you’ve just messed up, and reluctantly agree to your plan, secretly resenting you the whole time. Simply put, I don’t adapt well to change. Every once in a while I’ll get the urge to try something new—a new dish at a restaurant, a new route to work—but most of the time, I’m quite content in my perfect routine bubble. The problem? When anything in my life goes off its perfectly plodding course—which is freaking often—I panic and scramble to adapt.

Life is full of twists and turns. It’s going to suck sometimes. Those who are resilient, resourceful, and able to adapt quickly will be able to cope more easily. Those like me who are not very adaptable will find themselves feeling out of their depth, unable to cope, and sadly wondering why life just won’t go their way.

Assertiveness

  • Score for depressed group: 46
  • Score for non-depressed group: 58

One of the main reasons why I hate to shop is not only the lack of parking, the crowds, or the need to separate myself from my hard-earned money: It’s the pushy salespeople. I could fill a room with the stuff that I was induced into buying because I didn’t assert myself. The problem is, when you don’t stand up for yourself in situations where someone is overstepping their boundaries, they’ll think it’s okay to treat you that way—and they’ll keep doing it. Depressed individuals are less likely to assert their desires and to speak up, often out of fear of rejection. Rather than rock the boat, they just try to live with their discontent.

“Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.”

Doreen Virtue

Self-awareness

  • Score for depressed group: 57
  • Score for non-depressed group: 68

If you were to ask me what my top three faults are, they’d roll off my tongue like my favorite song. In fact, I’d probably give you more than three. If asked to list my strengths, that would take time. When you have a tendency to focus on everything that you don’t like about yourself it will become a habit—to the point where you won’t acknowledge, let alone realize, your strengths. Happy people know what makes them special, even if it’s something as seemingly minor as knowing how to fold bed sheets. People who are vulnerable to depression see nothing but their faults and are completely unaware of what makes them unique and amazing.

While I would love to develop my spatial intelligence (mostly because I can’t parallel park) or my mathematical intelligence (because I call fractions “those things with the number, then the line, then the number”), it’s my emotional intelligence that I am currently developing. Your EQ has a significant impact on how you interact with others, the quality of your relationships, and, as we’ve seen, your mental health. If you’re uncomfortable with your emotions, be they your own or other people’s, you’ll experience the repercussions in your everyday life. But like other forms of intelligence, EQ can be nurtured and improved. I’d highly recommend the services of a life coach or a therapist, if you’d like to dig a little deeper into your emotional habits.

Here are a few more tips:

Recognize emotions for what they are. We have been taught that emotions are uncontrolled reactions to situations or people around us. This isn’t true. Your emotions are a signal; they are messages that have the potential to offer you important information if you’re willing to take the time to reflect on what you’re feeling. So when you get upset with your partner for not washing the dishes or with your colleague for not refilling the paper in the printer, stop and ask yourself this question:

Is my anger really related to the dishes/paper or something more?

Maybe you’re upset because deep down you feel disrespected or taken advantage of. Maybe you’re using the dishes/paper situation to vent your anger about a more serious, unresolved issue. The point is, don’t let negative emotions simmer (or boil over) unchallenged. Milk them for information.

Take small steps if you’re not used to expressing your feelings. Start with the emotions that are the least intimidating, like gratitude, awe, or boredom. For example, try offering a friend a genuine compliment and then take it one step further to an expression of appreciation. When you need to communicate a negative feeling, start by writing down how you feel before saying it. Like learning any new skill, emotional expression will get easier with time and practice. 

Let your emotions out. A study on life satisfaction and negative life events revealed that people who wrote out what was bothering them or who talked about them with someone they trusted showed an improvement in mental health and life satisfaction. So when something is bothering you, don’t keep it locked inside. A problem can often feel less intense when we can share that burden, so to speak. Release all your negative feelings and thoughts in a journal. Talk to a trusted friend, a spiritual leader, a therapist, or join an online community that focuses on helping others get through personal and emotional difficulties. There is always help.

“Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.”

Aristotle

Insightfully yours,

Queen D