It’s hard not to ignore the common theme of male characters in movies: The stoic silent type that doesn’t blink an eye in the face of danger, the bad boy who is always emotionally out of reach, or the gruff male character who prefers to display his feelings in actions rather than words. It seems that aside from anger, most male characters rarely show their emotional side. Sadly, it seems that art may be imitating life—or perhaps even the reverse. Take the Sherlock Holmes series for example. In Jeremy Brett’s sublime interpretation, he stuck close to the character profile developed by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle: Clever, calculating, and logical, but with a blatant appreciation and affection for Dr. Watson, and at least some desire to help others just for the sake of helping them, not just for the thrill of intellectual stimulation. The modernized Sherlock, while stunningly and brilliantly interpreted by Benedict Cumberbatch, has a darker side. For example, his now famous quote, “I’m not a psychopath, I’m a highly functioning sociopath.”

“Sentiment is a chemical defect found in the losing side.”

Sherlock Holmes,  Sherlock (BBC)

 
This brings me to my blog topic. Analyzing data from 4,203 people who took Queendom’s Emotional Intelligence Test, I looked into how men deal with their emotions. What my study revealed was the gap between the emotional attitude of younger and older men (men under 40 vs. men over 40). While both age groups struggle to accept their emotional side, the problem was more prominent for the younger men. Here are some of the results of the study:

  • 31% of men under the age of 40 struggle to identify their feelings (compared to 8% of men over 40).
  • 31% find it hard to express their feelings (compared to 17% of men over 40). Why? Well, according to 36% of them, talking about their feelings requires vulnerability, which they are not comfortable with.
  • 24% are uneasy displaying affection; 23% are uncomfortable when they are expected to console someone (compared to 13% of men over 40, in both cases).
  • 44% said that they will not allow themselves to cry (compared to 30% of men over 40).
  • 32% avoid discussing sensitive topics (compared to 25% of men over 40).
  • 33% are uncomfortable around people who openly show their emotions (compared to 26% of men over 40).
  • 11% said that they would rather be feared than loved (compared to 3% of men over 40).
  • 17% said that when they make a decision, they “rely purely on logic” rather their gut feelings (compared to 8% of men over 40).

“Your highly emotional reaction is most illogical.”

Dr. Spock, Star Trek

I believe we’ve done a great disservice to men. Social media has undoubtedly played a role, fueling the rise of so-called “alphas” and their influence, but the root of the problem starts at home. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen parents (including my own) discourage their son from crying, telling him that he’s “a big boy, not a baby.” How often are men told to “man-up,” “toughen up,” or “act like a man” when faced with difficult times? Very often.

Yet at the same time, many women complain that their boyfriend or husband is distant, and that he doesn’t share his emotions. So men are constantly being bombarded with wildly mixed messages. The result is absolutely destructive. We end up with men who don’t know how to deal with their emotions, and this is particularly true for younger men. They either deny their feelings or keep them pent-up, unable to cope with them. The problem is, bottled-up emotions will find their way out eventually, often via angry outbursts. But anger can often mask emotions that men are unwilling to show, like fear and sadness.

It’s time to stop sending mixed messages to men about the appropriateness of their emotions and allow them to express what they really feel—without judgment.

“Young men just don’t know what it means to be a man. There are so many lies about what it means to be a man whether that be get a bunch of girls or get a bunch of money or don’t cry and don’t have emotions. Nobody is teaching them how to be men.”

Trip Lee

 
Insightfully yours,

Queen D